Websnark: Wednesday is also getting good at programming the GPS and having her iPod stocked with music so I don't have to use mine. I'm not sure how I didn't die in a flaming car wreck two years before I met her.

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Eric: Wednesday is also getting good at programming the GPS and having her iPod stocked with music so I don't have to use mine. I'm not sure how I didn't die in a flaming car wreck two years before I met her.

(From Shortpacked! Click on the thumbnail for full sized earworm!)

Shortpacked's been going great guns of late. Willis learned the magic of plot and humor in delicious frappacino style blends early on in Shortpacked's run -- which is one reason I think Shortpacked is the best of the many comics he's done. Plus, you know, there are antics, but I digress.

Today's strip is a one-off. And it's one that makes me laugh because I've been there. I've been That Guy. And the depressing thing is, I didn't used to be.

See, my phone of several years broke, about six months ago. It was a RAZR -- mighty and sliver and all around... telephonic. What do you want from me, here? Anyway, the RAZR died after excellent service, and was retired with military honors. (No, I didn't flush it down the toilet. I don't care how flashy they've become -- cell phones aren't budgies, God damn it!) And, because I like to take setbacks as opportunities, I elected to make my next phone the RAZR2.

Yeah, not my best move. It's not as robust, it's not as reliable, it loses my settings distressingly often, it's way too easy to accidentally turn earpiece almost all the way down -- it's just not as good a phone as its predecessor. I keep hoping I'll have a catastrophic wheat thresher accident that will necessitate me getting a different phone, so I can just get another RAZR and be done with it.

But one thing the RAZR2 does do... is song identification.

You remember the Verizon commercials, I trust. Hot young thing strides down the street, when she hears a cool song blaring out of a store's unfeasibly large outdoor speakers. She pauses, and realizes that the song is kicking and rad and tubular and whatever young people call music today -- leave me alone, I'm 40. But tragically, she doesn't know what the song is and therefore can't buy it from a Verizon approved source for both playback and ringtones. But wait! she has a cell phone, so she whips it out, flips it open, and thrusts it defiantly at the speaker. And LO -- it identifies the song and gives her convenient cell-phone-use-only purchasing options! Easter is saved! "Be a song detective!" the announcer cheerfully said.

I saw that commercial, and I had two immediate thoughts. "Huh, that would be kind of cool, once or twice" was the first. "That would be the stupidest reason to by a telephone in the history of stupid reasons to buy a telephone. Including the sneaker phone Sports Illustrated used to give out -- I mean, at least then you got softcore porn magazines about sports to go with it."

Well, I have a RAZR2. It's got that alleged feature. And once, I was sitting in Starbucks, and I heard a song, and for maybe the third time in my life I thought "huh -- I wonder who's singing that." And somehow managed to remember my phone identified songs, so I tried it.

My understanding is, heroin addiction generally starts with a single use, because what would the harm be?

Watching my phone digest ten seconds of music and regurgitate the singer, song and album information was like mainlining crack into the geek portion of my brain. Suddenly, any music anywhere became a horrible horrible mystery. I had to know the answer. I had to learn. Whether I liked the music or not, there was song identifying to be done!

Wednesday has become skilled at operating the Song ID feature, so that if we're driving while listening to the radio I don't kill us both in a desperate push to ID a third tier song from 1987.

Now, the nice thing about a cell phone is you always have it with you. That's one reason the phones started getting weird features like cameras in the first place. The iPhone is one step closer to the mythical convergence device that will give us unlimited access and functionality to all cool things at all times without needing to carry more than one thing. I fully expect cell phones to replace our car keys by 2014. The damn thing can already locate you for the police, identify local attractions and give you directions to them, automatically receive news updates and let you assign "Dude Looks Like A Lady" as a ringtone for that friend of yours who looks like a lady. How much farther do they have to go before we just call them Tricorders and be done with it?

But sometimes... sometimes you don't actually have your cell phone with you. Maybe you forgot to charge it. Maybe it's sitting on the kitchen table because you were in a rush this morning. Maybe you're in a hospital, and cell phone use might kill a nun on life support. For whatever reason, sometimes you don't have that magical machine holstered like a pistol on your belt.

And so sometimes, I'll be out and about, and I'll hear a song. And I won't know that song. And I'll reach for my RAZR2... and it won't be there.

Despair, thy name is "who the hell's singing that?"

Posted by Eric Burns-White at August 22, 2008 11:29 AM

Comments

Comment from: coriolinus posted at August 22, 2008 3:40 PM

If it were not for magical phones,
it could easily never be known.
It must be ID'd
so the knowledge is freed:
"Who was it who sang that great tone?"

Comment from: PatMan posted at August 22, 2008 6:05 PM

Phones are becoming familiars, just as Lore Sjöberg prophesized!

Comment from: 32_footsteps posted at August 22, 2008 7:03 PM

You gave your cell phone a military-style funeral? You lowered it into the ground slowly while playing Taps and shooting a gun into the air?

Huh. I just recycled mine at the store. Or donated them to charity if they were still functional.

Maybe I'm a bit too Web 1.0 - I just memorize a catchy song lyric from the song and Google it. I mean, there can't be that many songs with the line "I'm a New Jersey success story" (as I was born there, that line obviously caught my ear).

That, and I've found in my experiments that for songs that *don't* have lyrics, they get it right maybe half the time, at best.

Comment from: Sean Duggan posted at August 22, 2008 8:58 PM

@32_footsteps - I do the same thing, although it can get tricky when the bits of the song that are really catchy are also the bits that are horribly common phrases. I spent years refinding a bit of music I used to listen to as a kid. It was a country song with a line along the lines to "Cry and cry to make me feel better. Write it all down in a tear-stained letter". ^_^ Turns out it's Richard Thompson's "Tear stained letter" which actually has the repeated line of "Cry, cry if it makes you feel better / Set it all down in a tear-stained letter". It took me several iterations of search queries as well as any number of false starts where people found me copies of Johnny Cash's "Tear-stained letter". And then, there's cover versions. As in this Shortpacked episode, you may know the song, but a cover plays and you wonder who exactly sang it. Every once in a while, you wind up with a special treat like a mix CD in a yard sale where one of the songs not only is a cover you've never heard before, but it turns out it's not even a published band, just someone noodling away in their home studio.

And personally, I'm still one of those stalwarts who uses his phone entirely as a phone. :) And I'll not answer that phone if I'm busy or I don't feel like talking to people. Just because I have the phone on me at all times doesn't mean I want to always be able to be contacted...

Comment from: William_G posted at August 23, 2008 11:11 AM

Personally, I always found the best function of any cell phone I ever had was the off button. Quickly followed by the caller ID so I could decide if I wanted to answer it or not.

What I'm saying is that I haven't had one in over two months and I haven't been happier with the fact.

Comment from: miyaa posted at August 23, 2008 1:04 PM

Cell phones make great clay pigeons. Just so you know that.

I work at a Charity, and I marvel at how people will call up asking for assistance with their phone bill, whether it would be cellphone or a land line connection. I am trained to respond, "I am truly sorry, but we do not offer assistance with telephone bills.... We do not consider a phone to be an essential item."

Cell phones aren't essential, but they sure make them out to be that way. Now if you'll excuse me, I should find out why I got a Swiss Army cell phone knife as a very belated birthday present.

Comment from: Sean Duggan posted at August 23, 2008 1:42 PM

@miyaa - I don't see cell phones as essential, but I'd say that a phone is about as essential as a car when it comes to being able to get and hold a job. Just to get the job, they need to call you and unless you're salaried, you'll probably be getting the "we need you down at the store now" call which partly determines whether you get to keep the job.

That said, my brother opposed getting a cell phone for years and only accepted one when the people at his work place offered to buy it and pay for his bills so that they could have him on call.

Comment from: Ray Radlein posted at August 24, 2008 3:42 AM

I fully expect cell phones to replace our car keys by 2014.

From watching Top Gear I know that there are already cars which can optionally be locked, unlocked, and started via the owner's cell phone.

Comment from: Prodigal posted at August 25, 2008 11:22 PM

You're all missing the most important aspect of this topic, which is WHO RECORDED THAT DAMN COVER?

Comment from: Ray Radlein posted at August 26, 2008 3:20 AM

As a rule of thumb, it's always safe to guess "of Montreal" or "The Apples in Stereo" when trying to guess who did that great song you heard in a commercial.

You might be wrong, of course, but at least you'll be safe.

Comment from: miyaa posted at August 26, 2008 8:29 AM

Ray: That little tidbit about having your car locked and unlocked by your cellphone leads to a scary question: what happens if your car puts you on hold?

Comment from: potato red posted at August 26, 2008 4:35 PM

Prodigal, based on the Target commercials I believe it's the Jonas brothers. Click my name to see if their cover is the one you mean.

Comment from: Robotech_Master posted at August 27, 2008 8:01 PM

Hey…I have a RAZR2. This song identification thing of which you speak…is it a service-provider-related thing, or can any RAZR2 do it?

And if so, how?

Comment from: Eric Burns-White posted at August 27, 2008 11:21 PM

Do you have Verizon, R_M? If so, check under the "add a ringtone" function. It should be a free application you can download and use.

Comment from: Sean Duggan posted at September 2, 2008 8:00 AM

I was ripping music from recent CD acquisitions and I realized that I have an additional confession to make. I enjoy the Dollar Store cover band versions of most songs. It's interesting because often, they get it very close to the original, but for small variations, leading to those little moments of cognitive dissonance as you expect a word or musical phrase to come in at a particular time and it's a second earlier or later...

Websnark

Besides, the box comes with Ravage.