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May 17, 2006
Eric Burns-White: Dude.
Here's the thing. I'm a writer. I write.
I do it because I love writing. I do it because I'm not happy when I'm not writing. I do it because... well because it's what I do.
Sometimes, I get paid for it. And that rocks.
Getting my copies of books with my name on the cover rocks too. Smelling the paper, smelling the ink.
People reading what I write rocks. You all rock.
And I have had any number of moments. Thresholds. Moments that are seminal. Moments where my world rocks a little, but in a very good way.
I had one of those tonight.
I've been honored and privileged to write a few introductions and forewards for comic and cartoon collections. It always humbles me to have someone whose work I respect ask me to contribute something to one of their collected works -- I mean, this is one of the high points of their lives we're discussing. To be asked to be a part of that is an honor and a privilege. It is, in the end, fun.
And it's a blast to see them offered online. And those rare moments I go to a comic book store and see them there, it is amazingly cool. It is just as cool as it is to walk to the RPG section of those stores and see one of my books over there as well. I like RPG stores. They're good for my ego.
Well. Ever since I've sold stuff professionally, I've haunted Barnes and Noble, Borders and all of their ilk. Because while I've known that the likelihood that Sidewinder: Wild West Adventures or something from In Nomine would be sitting on a Barnes and Noble shelf was small, it wasn't zero. (I thought I'd have that moment with Star Trek: Worlds. And then it went PDF only. Sometimes, the Gods enjoy laughing at us.) I still do it to this day.
And I look through the graphic novel section. But not for anything of mine. I look there to see if folks from the webcomics world have made the jump. It happens on occasion, and I think that's really cool.
Well. So, tonight, I was looking over the graphic novels, and my heart stopped. Because the Image Comics collections of Scott Kurtz's PvP were there. And well they should be.
More to the point, volume 3 is there.
I should have expected it. PvP is big enough to make the jump to bookstores -- more than big enough. And Scott Kurtz has worked hard, and Image ain't small potatoes. Of course the Image PvP collections are there.
So I picked up Volume 3. And I opened the cover. And I read the opening words of the foreward.
I get a certain amount of e-mail about webcomics these days. A good number of those e-mails center on webcomics the writer loves. They extol the virtues of their favorite webcomics. They talk about the art, the writing, the characterization and the jokes. They are enthusiastic about webcomics and they want to share their enthusiasm with others.
I'm not going to write about those letters in this introduction.
I skipped ahead, to the very end.
Specifically, to the part that said "Eric Alfred Burns, New Hampshire" and had a picture of the Ursula Vernon 'Snarky' you see in the corner of the web site's pages.
And I knew, right then, that it was highly unlikely that a Barnes and Noble in New Hampshire was atypical in its ordering. It's better than even odds that the other Barnes and Nobles in the region carry similar selections.
And pretty darn likely the same is true throughout this half of the country. Or maybe even the full country.
And that the same is probably true of Powell's. Or Borders. Or the Elliot Bay Bookstore. Or Tattered Cover.
For the first time in my life, I can walk into any given large chain bookstore in the country and there's at least even odds I can put a hand on my book that has my fucking words in it.
I'm astoundingly grateful to Scott Kurtz for the opportunity. And I'm just blown away. This is one of those moments that just throws me. I literally have to adjust my world view to fit this fact.
I'm a writer.
I write.
The proof can likely be found at your friendly local bookstore.
Dude.
Posted by Eric Burns-White at 10:08 PM | Comments (24)
May 16, 2006
Eric Burns-White: In other news, Marmaduke endures.
(From Peanuts, of course.)
For the second time recently we've got a Peanuts cartoon up on the old site for you to have a look at. And given the topic of this quick essay, this one's somewhat apropos. Loneliness in a crowd is one thing, but it's something else entirely when you're all alone.
On Sunday, the Winston-Salem Journal announced that it was dropping Peanuts from its comic page. It's kind of amazing that this is as significant as it is. After all, Peanuts by definition has been in reruns for years. And yet, it is in fact news when a major paper drops it.
In the words of Tim Clodfelter, the reporter who drew the short straw and had to write an article justifying dropping Peanuts (and whose surname is now my new favorite word):
Now, don't go sending the Red Baron after us. Just hear us out. We love Peanuts. It was a terrific comic strip, arguably the best in comics history. But the truth is, it ended more than six years ago when Charles Schulz died. Schulz was adamant that no one else would do the strip after him, an admirable sentiment in an industry where some long-running strips become little more than cartoon mills run by ghost artists and writers.
The Journal has been running repeats of the strip since 2000 because no one wanted to be the person who put Snoopy to sleep.
But the fact of the matter is, the strip is taking up a spot on our comics page that could be handed over to a newcomer. One reader wrote to us back in February 2000, when Peanuts ended, saying that he felt that Schulz would have wanted us to give the space to a younger cartoonist, to give the next generation a chance. That sentiment stuck in our heads, but change is hard, and changing something as fundamental as Peanuts on the comics page is even harder.
Clodfelter (seriously. Say it out loud. Clooooodfelter.) is right, of course. Charles Schulz didn't stipulate that no one follow him on the comic strip so that his own strips would continue being rerun forever and a day. He meant for Peanuts to end. And ultimately for other strips to come along behind. He deliberately eschewed the tactic that has Blondie, Dick Tracy, and that loveable acid trip Annie in the comics section to this day. It had a monumental run, but that run was over.
That run is over.
And yet, dropping the strip is problematic for the editors. Who indeed wanted to "put Snoopy to sleep," even if we were really just looking at Snoopy's home movies from an increasingly long time ago. And it's worrying to his successor, Mark Tatulli, who writes and draws a comic strip called Lio. Lio is itself a dramatically different strip than we've come to expect on the newspaper page. In a world of talking heads and situations, Lio is a comic that is all art, no dialogue, using a sense of wit and whimsy to convey visual humor. In a way, Lio is as unexpected as... well, Peanuts itself was back in 1953. (Yes, once upon a time Peanuts was considered edgy and innovative). I look forward to adding Lio to my own daily habit the minute they get on the web like every comic that actually wants an audience.
(You laugh. Opus was the big dramatic holdout. You can see how that holdout's doing right here if you like.)
Tatulli is understandably thrilled about the reception his new comic is receiving, but chagrined about who he's replacing in a major market:
Tatulli was a bit shell shocked to hear that his strip would be taking Peanuts' place.
"Oh, jeez, oh my God, you made me the bad guy," he said. He recalled a previous incident in the late 1990s when he was in a bar talking with someone about his other comic strip, Heart of the City. Another patron overheard their conversation and angrily declared "You replaced Calvin and Hobbes!"
Technically, that was true; Bill Watterson, the Calvin cartoonist, retired from the business, leaving a hole that newspapers had to fill.
"Like I had anything to do with it, but people immediately blame me," Tatulli said. "It's a real Catch-22: People don't want to change, but then there are other people complaining that the comics aren't relevant anymore. I'm trying to walk that line, make comics relevant but at the same time not make the people angry who have loved Blondie and Peanuts."
Look. I love Peanuts. I'm thrilled to see the growing library of Fantagraphics Peanuts books on my shelf. I'm thrilled to read through the strips. I will always, always love Peanuts.
But it doesn't need the increasingly small newspaper space any more. And I don't think it's bringing people to the paper -- or at least, not in the numbers necessary to reverse the decline of the newspaper subscription. It's time to let Peanuts move on... and for newspapers to move ahead.
Posted by Eric Burns-White at 1:36 PM | Comments (21)
Eric Burns-White: On Net Neutrality
It is worth noting two things. First off, if you happen to be an American and you're reading these words, you've already been bombarded with information about Net Neutrality and Saving the Internet. And, you know. I'm on that side of all of it, too. Save the Internet, and all that.
If you're not an American, but you live in some sort of representative governmental system, you ought to be contacting your own legislators, representatives, Ministers of Parliament or the like as well. After all, the Internet isn't American, per se, and legislation that makes deep seated changes in the United States will have impact on all of you. I would think the European Union would be sending quiet messages across saying "screw with the Internet, and we're going to start talking about trade sanctions." Or some such.
That's not really what I'm writing about, here.
I want to write about what happens if this legislation passes.
Specifically, I want to write about what happens to the companies that actually start trying to throttle the internet based upon their premium service.
Simply put? If you work for one of those companies? Keeping that resume up to date is in order.
See, I may be a liberal, but I'm a liberal who actually believes that the Market forces really do exist and really do correct mind numbingly stupid mistakes. And the day that COPE and such legislation passes... the day that telecoms start insisting people charge fees for 'premium access...' is the day that smart companies will absolutely decimate those telecoms in the marketplace.
Think of it. Google, Intel, Microsoft, Skype, Vonage, eBay, Earthlink, Amazon.com and Yahoo are all proponents of Net Neutrality. And of course they are -- they have no interest in paying premium fees to companies they don't even do business with. You think they won't throw their massive support behind backbone companies that pledge to "stay net neutral?" You think Earthlink and other ISPs won't start advertising that their DSL service "doesn't come with a toll booth?" You think hosting companies won't flock to those backbones that agree to provide broad service without 'tiers,' and you think that new backbone companies won't spring up to provide new routes free of this kind of interference?
Of course they will. Hell, I halfway expect Google to announce "Google Net" the week after this thing passes.
Remember America Online and CompuServe, and how they had huge amounts of premium content? These days, AOL's biggest selling point is a messenger service anyone on Earth can use. And as for CompuServe?
Is anyone reading these words a member of CompuServe? Anyone?
Didn't think so.
By the same token, if the only people out there who have trouble getting to Google, eBay or Amazon.com -- or small mom and pop websites, for that matter -- are Verizon or Comcast broadband customers... do you honestly think Earthlink won't make a huge deal about that in their advertisements? I do. And if the hosting companies that connect to Verizon or Comcast or AT&T's backbones directly abandon them for backbones that won't require additional fees for 'premium' access, I can see a lot of corporate boardrooms with a lot of unhappy managers in them.
Am I saying we shouldn't fight to defeat COPE and its ilk? Not hardly. Passage would be inconvenient at best, and there would be Trouble. I signed the petition and I contacted my representatives beyond that. But if it passes, do I think that it would devastate the Internet? No, I really don't. I don't because there's way too many companies out there who would be more than happy to take Verizon and Comcast's lunch money and give them swirlies in the bathroom if those companies were stupid enough to give them such an obvious and powerful selling point.
Capitalism. It's a rampaging heartless beast. And sometimes that's a good thing.
Posted by Eric Burns-White at 10:26 AM | Comments (28)
Eric Burns-White: You know what's cool? The Emergency Broadcast System. It's so cool when it's actually really an emergency.
It is a sodden day, in our State of Emergency.
For those of you unconcerned about the daily lives of your cheerful blogging cadre beyond what you see crop up in your RSS aggregator, Livejournal Friendslist or web site link, one of the cheerful writers for this site lives in New Hampshire. New Hampshire, which is currently in day 12 of 40 of Noah's Flood 2006 Brought To You By Pepsi. Large chunks of this state, of Massachusetts and of Maine are under water, with dams straining, sewers overflowing and backing into the rivers that have surged, and water tables saturating all over.
Interestingly enough, even though I live essentially next to a lake, I'm fine. My home is on high ground, my workplace is up a sloping hill. Lake Winnepausakee would have to rise like 20 meters before it became an issue, and if we had a sixty foot high wave of water come into town, we're officially into Waterworld territory.
But, there is impact. For one thing, there have been power flickers and even outages, which is to be expected since much of the electrical grid is now being exposed to our buddy water. For another, there are weird troubles with the internet -- which might have something to do with several of our backbones running through places like Manchester, which is among the hardest hit areas in New Hampshire. (Not to mention places like Peabody and Haverhill, in Massachusetts, which as near as we can tell are now lakes.)
Walking in to work, I noticed the ground was one big sponge now, though, and torrents of water sheet down every road and walkway, pooling wherever the ground bowls slightly. The earth is saturated here, and there is no where for the water to go except on the surface or sheeting down any incline. My feet are still wet.
And still the rain falls. It falls steadily. It falls hard.
Dover, where friends of mine live and good coffee can be had, is flooded. Roadways crumble under the onslaught of overflowed rivers. Rochester, the "Lilac City," is essentially drowned right now. And having been in Maine on Sunday (Mother's Day, don't you know), I'm at least somewhat surprised my trip home didn't involve driving through the Saco River. As it is, I assume my town is an island, cut off on all sides by roadways obscured by water.
And yet, life goes on. Though the state is in a State of Emergency, that emergency hasn't really hit my town, where things are pretty much normal. I'm at work today, and have no reason to think I won't stay at work the normal hours. Really, the new 13" MacBooks are a bigger deal in the office than the floodwaters. I have light and comfort, shelter and hot coffee, and after work I have to go buy cat food. When the biggest issue facing you in a State of Emergency is remembering you need a bag of Iams for Adult Cats, life is officially going on.
Still, there is some indication we should get used to such things. There have been rumblings that this year's wildcat hurricane season might trawl up the Atlantic and nail the Northeast. I'm certain readers in the Southeastern United States will think it's our turn, God Damn It, and they might be right. Certainly, it seems that when an area gets hit with extreme weather these days, that extreme weather comes in waves, not in isolated incidents. And the Nationwide (and Worldwide) incidence of extreme weather seems to be spiking higher, not leveling off.
So.
Stay dry. Have some coffee. Sit back. Look at the new MacBooks. And relax.
It's just a State of Emergency, after all.
Posted by Eric Burns-White at 10:00 AM | Comments (18)
May 15, 2006
Eric Burns-White: Also, Survivor ended. But I didn't care.
Two shows, radically different and yet in weird ways similar, had their finales this weekend. They're both shows on my list of favorites. I'm going to miss them both, in very different ways, and both have 'sequels' in the pipelines, even though neither sequel is direct.
And that has me wistful.
The first, of course, is The West Wing, which ended its seven year run last night. The second, of course, is Justice League Unlimited, which ended its five year run (if we count Justice League before it) and closed out the DC Animated Universe as envisioned by Bruce Timm and Paul Dini.
There will be spoilers for both shows. I invite you not to read on if you've a problem with that, because... well, because. That's the way of things.
Justice League Unlimited, on one level, was almost a disappointment. We had a full season of shows building up to the climactic confrontation between the Justice League and a revitalized Secret Society of Supervillains, initially created by Gorilla Grodd and then subverted by Lex Luthor, in a clear pastiche on the old Challenge of the Superfriends series that pitted the Super Friends against the Legion of Doom. The Society's swamp headquarters was clearly an updated Hall of Doom for example, and the new Justice League Metro Tower's base was clearly evocative of the Hall of Justice.
Well, we never actually got that confrontation. We built to it, but at the literal last second, when it looked like Luthor would regain Brainiac and ascend to near Godhood with a full army equal in power and numbers to the expanded Justice League... we suddenly had a war against Darkseid, who was coming to shatter Earth, and the League and Society ended up needing to join forces to beat them back. And in the end, it wasn't the League but Lex Luthor who defeated Darkseid. What's up with that?
Well, I figured it out. Justice League Unlimited actually ended last year.
No, seriously. We had the JLU finale last year. The show built around the conflict with Cadmus, came to a beautifully orchestrated end after a fantastic two year run, and paid off both the general leaguers and the Power Seven of the original League. It was then followed by a coda that closed out the entire Timm/Dini 'verse. It was glorious.
And people went nuts for it. For all intents and purposes we were standing on our chairs, clapping and wooting and waving lighters. There was a last minute reprieve -- the show was renewed.
Guys, this fifth season of JLU? Was an encore. This was the band coming out and playing one last set of their hits. This was the extended curtain call. And looked at that way, it was brilliant. Over the course of the season, we had some loose ends tied up, and others left to dangle. We had groundwork laid and other groundwork paid off. And this last show, the series finale, was one long, extended geekfest. This was an episode designed to make fans go squee, over and over and over again. And it did that very well.
Setting aside the Significant Moments for our major characters (though Superman finally truly being Superman for one brief shining moment was wonderful), there were all the little touches. The little homages. Especially the two Marvel nods. (Commander Steel -- a character who I think never even had lines in the show -- was the most patriotically costumed character except for Stargirl. And he had a chance to grab a circular parademon shield and hurl it, knocking aside two parademons who threatened Hawkgirl, in an absolute and clear nod to Captain America. And even more than that, Fire and Ice had a truly great double-fan service moment. On the one hand, they were in bikinis, so. You know. Fan service. But on the other, Ice sealed herself in a block of ice to get into costume, and Fire tossed her hair and costumed up in a halo of flame... exactly the way that Iceman and Firestar used to get into costume on Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends).
And, in my absolutely favorite moment, we saw an old, distinctive (and, to a certain type of comic book fan, recognizable) heavy set man walk up to parademons and batter them about, so well that Wonder Woman herself was stunned. ("Hera," she murmured, staring. It was great.) Now, it turned out to be J'onn J'onzz, and that's cool enough on its own level. They didn't telegraph the reveal at all.
But that doesn't change the fact that for one moment, Jack Kirby was punching 4th World parademons. I mean, dude.
The final moments featured a pastiche on the opening of Challenge of the Superfriends, with the heroes descending from the Hall of Justice Metrotower and leaping through the screen. But that pastiche was itself a fantastic nod to the true fans and to the seventy year history of DC Comics and a superteam we called the Justice League in this series. For the record, we opened with B'Wana Beast, Metamorpho and the Creeper, along with Steel -- slightly eclectic, but three of them (all but Steel) were backup features in The Brave and the Bold. This was followed by the Question, Hawk and Dove and Captain Atom, who along with the Creeper were all created by Steve Ditko. (Which was the only creator nod in the final curtain call, but as it gave them an excuse to have the Question -- undoubtedly the breakout star from relative obscurity of JLU -- I'll take it.) Followed by the Crimson Avenger, the Shining Knight, Vigilante and Stargirl and STRIPE, who were (versions of) the Seven Soldiers of Victory (minus Green Arrow and Speedy, admittedly). They were followed by Wildcat, Doctor Mid-Nite, Doctor Fate and Hourman -- modern versions, perhaps, but still the four characters most directly tied back to the original version of the League, the Justice Society of America. Followed then by Commander Steel, Vibe, Gypsy and Vixen, who were the 1980's version of the Justice League of America (an era often forgotten, so that they were remembers and Vixen even had a major character arc in the series is wonderful, to my mind). Followed then by Booster Gold, Fire, Ice and the Elongated Man -- seminal members of the 90's version of the Justice League International. (They could have put Crimson Fox in there too, and gotten a Justice League Europe nod, but I'll take it.) Followed then by Zatanna, Red Tornado, Black Canary and Green Arrow -- core members of the 70's version of the Justice League of America. Spaced out, I would add, so that Green Arrow and Black Canary had almost a solo bow run through the screen, which is appropriate given how significant Green Arrow was to the development of the series.
And finally, of course, we had the Flash, the Martian Manhunter, Green Lantern, Hawkgirl, Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman. The stars of our show. The Justice League. Ending on a shot of Batman, who launched the Timm/Diniverse so many years ago.
We got a full season as a curtain call, and then they had their moment. And now we close the curtain. Next up, their "sequel" is a series that is dear to my heart: The Legion of Super Heroes. But, even though JLU set the series up, they've gone with all new, very un-Bruce Timm designs (sort of troglodyteish, really). They have intentionally said it's meant to break away from the past and move forward, so it's not the next edition of the DC Animated Universe. Not really. It's something new, and we just... move on, in the end.
Which brings us to The West Wing. Which was a finale.
If JLU seemed like a disappointment that turned out to be a celebration and curtain call... The West Wing came across as a celebration and curtain call that ended up as a disappointment. We knew it would be something of a downer -- they had to convey the essence of life moving on, of the President we've had for seven seasons leaving office and a new President coming in. And they did that, and it was effective. The quiet scene where we hear Santos taking the oath of office in the background while the White House Head Usher's staff sweeps into the Oval Office, packs everything up in a whirlwind, leaving the place bare for the new President's things to come in, and the photograph of Bartlet is taken down in the outer office and replaced with Santos was astoundingly effective.
But, one of the hallmarks of transitions like this is a sense of anticlimax. The new President set to governing immediately, and three of our cast members -- Charlie, Will and Kate -- are standing in the entryway to the West Wing. "Hey," Charlie says. "Wanna go see a movie?" "It's two p.m.," Will says. "You got something better to do?"
And of course, they don't. Oh, Charlie's heading to law school, Kate will no doubt reenter public service in some capacity (she's career military. She'll have a job, though she was denied the National Security Advisor position she wanted). And Will Bailey we know from the beginning of the season is destined to become a United States Congressman in two years. But for now, they got nothing to do. They're done.
And so it was with all our heroes. They're leaving. Their service is done. Of our major cast, only Josh and a returning Sam still work for the President. Donna -- in a plot arc almost as unrealistic as the White House Press Secretary with no previous Washington experience being tapped to replace Leo McGarry as Chief of Staff, no matter how asskicking Allison Janney is) -- has risen from being a cubicle dwelling secretary in only her third real job after dropping out of college to being the First Lady's Chief of Staff, which makes Josh and Donna one Hell of a Power Couple. And whatsername with the mind numbingly abrasive voice is now the First Lady's communications director.
Everyone else is out. Gone.
The loss of John Spencer -- the man who played Leo McGarry -- was keenly felt in this episode. They showed the pilot of the West Wing in the hour before this finale, reminding all of us that Leo was the first character seen on screen, walking into work in the White House in the morning. In Sorkin's original pitch, the President would barely be seen -- instead, the ensemble lead would really be Leo. (Rob Lowe's ego notwithstanding). And thematically, this last show should have ended not with Bartlet in Air Force One flying home to New Hampshire, but Leo walking out of the White House for the last time (I'm convinced that thematically, had Spencer not had his untimely death, Vinick would have won. Things the producers have said seem to bear that out.) Instead, we had C.J. do that walk, followed by the new President and Josh saying "what's next" in a clear echo to the end of that first episode of the West Wing, followed by Bartlet flying out of public service once and for all.
And... well, maybe it was (somewhat) realistic, as the succession takes place. But it in the end was sad, more than anything else. There was no sense of triumph -- of eight solid, good years and a torch being passed. There was instead a sense that there was more to do. Too much left by the wayside.
Which I think was intentional. Right at the beginning, the first lady said "Jed -- you did a lot of good. You did a lot of good," to a President who is staring out a window in the Residence, clearly seeing all the good he never got around to.
The one arc of real substance left to this last episode was the fate of Toby Zeigler, exiled in disgrace after he outed National Security secrets to save the lives of several astronauts. The question right up until the end was whether or not Bartlet would use one of those infamous 11th hour pardons to pardon him. Now, we knew from that same first episode of the season where we saw Will Bailey was a Congressman, at the opening of the Bartlet Presidential Library, that Toby was not in jail. He was at Columbia. But that could have been a deal or an early release or who knows what.
But yes, Bartlet pardoned him, as we knew he would from the moment that we learned he was considering it. And in what I think was the worst omission of the show, Richard Schiff didn't even appear on this final episode. Leo couldn't be there, because John Spencer died. Toby should have at least been shown at home, watching the Inauguration he could no longer attend.
In short, and in the end, life goes on. The West Wing is over. The "sequel" to it doesn't have anything to do with it, except a couple of actors in common (most notably Bradley Whitford). However, the show -- Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip -- marks the return of West Wing and Sports Night creator Aaron Sorkin to television. Sorkin was forced out of the West Wing due to a drug scandal and softening ratings (and the abandonment of Lowe over what amounts to a hissy fit because he wasn't at the center of everything, leading to a staggering series of professional failures on Lowe's part). The show never really recovered from Sorkin's loss, as it went from being policy porn to ER style shocking moments of the week (in the Sorkin years, we could be made to feel the emotions behind farm subsidies and the movement to abolish the penny. In the post-Sorkin era, there were wars, explosions, peace in the Middle East, heart attacks and lots of Gigantic Moments, minus the dialogue that made us care in the first place). Sorkin returning with a show that is bar none the most anticipated thing on NBC's schedule while the West Wing limps to an end is no doubt the sweetest kind of revenge for him, and I'm very much looking forward to it.
But it's not the same, any more than The West Wing really replaced Sports Night.
So. Two shows I always looked forward to, both gone. One an anticlimactic climax that turned out to be a startlingly effective celebration and curtain call, the other a celebration and curtain call that turned out anticlimactic and bittersweet. Two sequels that aren't really sequels, to give me some hope for next year. Endings, and beginnings.
Life goes on.
Posted by Eric Burns-White at 12:27 PM | Comments (33)
Eric Burns-White: The Super Secret All Powerful Method To Protect Our Children From The Dangers Of The Internet
Hi all.
There's tons of things, actually, I want to write about. Tons. American legislation that affects us. Cultural events. JLU and West Wing. A crisis of faith I've been muddling through. Some kickass writing I've been doing. Many things. Lots of things.
However, there's something more important to write about. You see, there has been a tremendous amount of emphasis put in my nation and around the world on the massive and overpowering need to protect our children from predation online, from horrific and dangerous imagery online, from immoral and unethical websites that challenge the values that parents wish to instill in them or otherwise simply don't want them to have access to.
It is a natural impulse. It is a correct impulse. I honestly believe that children do need protecting.
So, as a good citizen of my town, state, nation and world, I would like to give you all the super secret method to protect your children from the dangers and images on the internet. From pornography and predation. From immorality and immodesty. From distraction and diseased minds. It is not 100% accurate, but it is vastly closer than any law, any technology, and any censorship that has yet to be developed.
And it is free.
First. Go into your son or daughter's room.
Second. Disconnect the computer. Be careful to note where the cables connect, if you're not familiar with them.
Third. Bring the computer downstairs.
Fourth. Go back to your son or daughter's room. Take the desk the computer was on.
Fifth. Set the computer and desk up in your living room. It should be angled so that wherever you sit when you're watching television, you have a view of the screen. Make certain the child cannot easily block the screen with their body.
Sixth. Verify everything is working.
Now, you're probably going to want to invest in two good pairs of noise canceling headphones. The first should be set up at your child's computer, so they can listen to their music, do their homework or play their games without being distracted by your television watching or other downstairs activities.
The second is for you, so you can watch TV while they're screaming at you for being such a heartless monster -- don't you trust them? Don't you care? I hate you!
You should post rules, stating that at any point, you have the right to walk up behind them without them knowing it and read over their shoulder, and that they have no right to say you can't. When they're using the headphones, this will be easy, so insist that they use them. After all, you don't want to hear their machine squawking all the time when they're using it.
You can use this as an opportunity, by the by, to set reasonable limits for things like gameplay and Instant Messaging. Have them verify their homework is done before they use anything like that, and when bedtime comes, they have to head upstairs.
If they say they can't possibly study down in the living room, even with the headphones, hand them a notebook and their textbooks and wish them well. If they need the internet, e-mail or word processing to complete their assignments, tell them that they're able to use a computer in a classroom without a problem, so they can use a computer in their living room the same way. If necessary, block their view of the TV and once again insist on the headphones.
You might think this is a pain in the ass -- you don't want to have to watch your child like a hawk. You don't want to have to tailor your evening activities around monitoring them. You don't want to be put in that role.
Welcome to parenthood.
Do I sound glib? Maybe so.
But I'm an adult, using the internet. And I'm sick to God of being told all the ways we have to change the Internet to protect the children. Protecting the children is important, but nothing Congress or Parliament (any of them) or SurfControl or any of the rest can possibly do will come anywhere near keeping your child's computer in a public area and not letting them use it in private. Ever.
The power of embarrassment and self-consciousness will work vastly better than all the filter software and censorship in the world. I promise you that.
Posted by Eric Burns-White at 1:12 AM | Comments (84)
