« Meow Piro meow meow upskirt meow eBay. | Main | On the other hand, I have *no* idea what's going on with Tom's hair. Maybe he needs to condition. »

Wednesday: Pink sapphires actually exist. Swear to God. Ick.

I don't think it was necessary for there to be an epilogue. Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon, while not exactly possessed of a magnificent or even useful ending, did at least manage to finish. Once you've annihilated true evil, destroyed all life on earth with the depths of your angst, and then put all that life back again, there's not much you can do to follow things up. This, of course, explains why we got PGSM: Special Act.

Since the epilogue is set four years later, no one has aged a single day. As a result, Ami has become the first twenty-year-old sixteen-year-old to practice medicine in America. The others have all gone on to their dreams as well. Makoto's living with Turtle Guy and arranging flowers. Rei is in Kyoto, lighting candles with her mind. Undead zombie idol Minako is winning nonexistent music awards in London. Hurray, normalcy.

And Usagi and Mamoru are getting married. In a week. So, of course, they've only just started planning, because that's what you do. It's not like Mamoru actually gives a crap, of course; he proposed to Usagi by sticking a plastic ring in her hand and walking off. He doesn't care if Usagi wears a wet rag to the wedding. He doesn't care what the invitations look like -- not that it's occurred to him or her that one week before the event is a bit late to be sending out the pretty cards. And he definitely doesn't want to be involved in any of that planning stuff, because wedding ceremonies are just such a waste of time when you're only marrying the chick 'cause you knocked her up, man. It's all about the marriage, so who cares if the wedding's any good? Usagi's hormonal and irritable and very fond of weddings, so she calls off the whole relationship and pouts.

(Usagi's got offscreen morning sickness in this, for the record. Yeah, that Love Rabbit shirt she wore all through the series was totally on the money.)

Oh, and evil just woke up. Evil wants breakfast. Therefore, evil has a familiar face.

[Mio Kuroki will devour you from beneath. Or any other way she can think of. From Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon Special Act.]

That whole "from beneath you, it devours" schtick on Buffy? Foreshadowing.

Look, I shit you not: Kuroki Mio comes back from the dead. (There's a lot of that going around, but she's a bit slow.) She wants to be queen of the world, and she wants herself some human energy breakfast. She turns a dilapidated old amusement park into a lair with her magic annoyance powers, and then she summons clown servitors. Clowns. Pierrot clowns, to be exact. Dancing ones. Four years dead, and her energy-sucking servitors are circus rejects. Time was when true evil could at least manage something squamous. She does manage to pull a couple Kamen Rider costumes out as well to be unmenacing, but it's pretty much irrelevant. Soul-sucking clowns are swarming the earth.

Some of those clowns are disguised as the Four Generals. They kidnap Usagi and Mamoru for Kuroki Mio, 'cause that's what you do. Kuroki Mio wants to marry the kidnapped Mamoru, because that's what chicks do. These chicks and their Martha Stewart and their wedding ceremonies and their ultimate evil and their clowns.

Bitches.

Anyhow. Look, I'm sorry, this story really doesn't make any sense. I can't make it make sense. I can only explain the problems. One of the problems is that you can't actually have a Sailor Moon special without any magical girl action.

[Stansted? They made that up. From Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon: Special Act.]Since the whole point of this exercise is to make all the Guardians -- who haven't been able to transform since the cosmic reset button made them into happy, normal girls -- go zooming back home to fight, they go zooming on back. This is a pretty dumb idea. They can't transform, and they know they can't transform because they aren't wearing anything marketable anymore. Rei tries to fight off ultimate evil with Sailor Luna, only to disappear for several scenes and reappear in the hospital. Minako manages to kick some clown ass, but that only goes so far.

The others completely fail to run over clowns with their cars, which is ridiculous. When you can't transform into a magical girl and use Peasant Fire Strike on your enemies, and you're in a car, your best bet is to try and splatter them all over the highway. Are they thinking of that? No. Ami swerves to avoid the rampaging clowns. And she's the genius.

(Wait. But, but, Luna can transform. And Mamoru becomes Tuxedo Kamen ever so briefly. Why can Sailor Luna transform and fight with Rei, who can't? Luna's not a girl, she's a plush cat. It's different. Same goes for Mamoru, who's not a girl or a plush cat, just... well, just a dick, really.)

The deal here is, Queen Serenity (who's also supposed to be dead, but never mind that now) has discussed matters with Luna through the Jedi holographic communicator thingie, and she's sending A Stone-Embedded Sword Which Is Totally Not Excalibur. If all the Guardians' hearts are united, they can pull Not Excalibur, Honest out of its base and transform just once to do what they have to do. This is the sort of thing which only works when the writers have not actually bothered to write an episode so much as cobble together some fanfic they got in the mail.

No, not even fanfic. That's being mean to fanfic. What they did was they went out for a while and found some kids, and then they asked, "What would you put in a new episode of Sailor Moon?" After the kids got done laughing, because it's not like they were watching Sailor Moon to begin with, the writers went and found some maladjusted teenaged boys. They exclaimed, "Oh! Oh! I know! Kuroki Mio is all back from the dead and wearing this hot corset thing, and, and, and so are the Four Generals, except they're just clowns or something wearing disguises and then the REAL Four Generals come back! And all the Sailor Guardians can transform again because, uh, they all pull Excalibur out at the SAME TIME! Except Rei, 'cause she's a bitch. And, uh, Kuroki Mio turns into the big plant boss from that one Final Fantasy game! But she loses! And then Sailor Moon gets married!"

Oh, I'm sorry. That was the plot. Granted, Rei has to lend her psychic sword-lifting energy from St. Wasn't Available For Shooting That Day Hospital For The Inexplicably Wearing Eye Bandages, but that's all they really changed from the focus groups.

I'd like to be happy for the characters, now that they're not virgins anymore grown up and having lives, sort of. Usagi and Mamoru have their stultifyingly normal church wedding after all, even though Mamoru still couldn't be bothered to get Usagi anything better than an imitation pink sapphire in a plastic setting. The turtle fetishist catches the bouquet and proposes to Makoto. We get closure. Closure is supposedly good. We like closure.

Except, honestly? I'd like the closure to make more sense than the series finale, not less.

There's one more bit of live-action Sailor Moon left in the arsenal: a prequel, featuring Sailor V. I'm somehow not holding out much hope here.

Posted by Wednesday Burns-White at April 2, 2006 7:01 PM

Comments

Comment from: Dan Vincent [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at April 3, 2006 1:08 AM

I for one welcome my new Kuroki Mio overlords.

*ducks*

The live action sailor moon was always something I could never take seriously. It's one of those "I enjoy the ride" kind of things. It's so funny because it's so bad. Like an old Benny Hill movie.

Comment from: chalcara [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at April 3, 2006 3:06 AM

*looks at the first image*

But one has to love plastic hearts with smiling skulls on it, ney, ney, ney?

Comment from: Robert Hutchinson [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at April 3, 2006 5:11 AM

I'm sorry, I'm still too near the realm of "maladjusted teenage boy" to be looking at the heart-skulls.

And in case you need evidence, I also just marveled at the antonymous yet homophonic nature of Japanese "ne" and English "nay". Shoot me, shoot me now.

Comment from: Darrin_Bright [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at April 3, 2006 8:40 AM

I want magic annoyance powers.

Oh, wait... my wife says I already have them.

Comment from: 32_footsteps [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at April 3, 2006 11:46 AM

Wait, England only has one airport? Doesn't sound very convenient for a prosperous country like the United Kingdom.

"Soul-sucking clowns are swarming the earth."

Tell me about it. Just two days ago, I saw "Killer Clowns From Outer Space" action figures for sale. I still can't figure out why.

And is it bad that I want to see a pic of this evil plant-form, just so I can figure out which Final Fantasy plant boss it's supposed to resemble. I'm rooting for ExDeath.

Comment from: Wednesday White [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at April 3, 2006 11:49 AM

32: We have several airports. This is why the line was absurd.

Comment from: 32_footsteps [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at April 3, 2006 12:08 PM

Yeah, I know (though I've never been through any). I just wanted to be subtle about making fun of it. Maybe too subtle.

Comment from: Misha Grin [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at April 3, 2006 12:57 PM

Yah, 32_footsteps! That was just IG'nernt. England has PLENTY of airports!

Of course, they only have the one PLANE... :-P

Comment from: Nate [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at April 3, 2006 1:44 PM

My girlfriend sent me a link to the first episode of that live-action series awhile back. It was one of the few times that my brain's ever actually attempted to crawl out of my head and bash itself to death against the desktop. The fact that there's a movie like this, and it's supposedly worse....

Well, let's just say I know what I'm getting her for her birthday.

Comment from: thomas [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at April 3, 2006 2:52 PM

My significant other foisted this series on me. At first I was like, "This is the worst thing I've EVER SEEN!" but by the end of it (yes, I watched every flipping episode) that had changed to "This is the worst thing I've ever seen and I CAN'T LOOK AWAY!"

Mamoru is a total dick, but I derived an enormous amount of pleasure watching him trying to emote pain. It's as if he had a special off-camera ball-twister technician to counteract his otherwise plank-esque performance.

Comment from: 32_footsteps [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at April 3, 2006 3:24 PM

I probably should track down some of this show, in that case. Heaven only knows I haven't picked up enough bad entertainment specifically for the purpose of laughing at it.

But come on, throw me a bone here. A link to the evil plant-creature?

Comment from: PatMan [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at April 3, 2006 4:30 PM

Dude, was it the same ring that Tux-boy gave her in the cartoon and comics? Because Buffy got a slightly less tacky, all gold version of the exact same ring from her way-too-old-for-her boyfriend.

And that's why no one was suprised when Buffy beat Adam the Cyberdemon using the power of love and friendship.

And that one episode where she transformed into Eternal Slayer Cosmos.

Comment from: alschroeder [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at April 3, 2006 5:08 PM

This is just preparing us for the glories of SAILOR MOON: the MOVIE, starring Sandra Bullock, Pamela Lee, and Lucy Lui....

Yes. I am being facetious. There is no such animal. Yet.---Al

Comment from: Robert Hutchinson [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at April 3, 2006 5:48 PM

PatMan: *snnrk*

"It's Tsukino blood!"

Comment from: TasteMyHouse [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at April 3, 2006 6:50 PM

WEDNESDAY'S BRITISH?

Also, *LONDON* has two airports.

Gatwick is so far from london proper!! and i was so jet lagged! and the cab driver was so smelly...

Comment from: Egarwaen [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at April 3, 2006 9:30 PM

Ow, my sides. That was amazing.

Also, I second Thomas' comment. "It's the worst thing I've ever seen, and I can't look away." describes this series perfectly.

Comment from: Prodigal [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at April 4, 2006 1:47 AM

Oh, and evil just woke up. Evil wants breakfast. Therefore, evil has a familiar face.
And she will BITE YOUR FUCKING FACE OFF!!!!!!

Comment from: chalcara [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at April 4, 2006 2:13 AM

None of you has apperently ever seen japaneese Porn. I really, really, really doubt that this series can be worse than THAT.

Comment from: William_G [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at April 4, 2006 12:02 PM

I'm looking at evil... Evil is kinda hot in an evil manner.

And if evil happens to be jailbait, it's just all the more evil.

YAYS! EVIL!

Comment from: kviri [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at April 4, 2006 12:46 PM

"When you can't transform into a magical girl and use Peasant Fire Strike on your enemies, and you're in a car, your best bet is to try and splatter them all over the highway. Are they thinking of that? No. Ami swerves to avoid the rampaging clowns. And she's the genius."

This really needed to happen the way weds describes. And it really ought to be accompanied by Ami shouting "Mercury Grand Marquis Power!" as she revs the engine... except that, sadly, I don't think that Ford Motor Company uses that nameplate in Britain or Japan.

Comment from: Robert Hutchinson [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at April 4, 2006 6:02 PM

I was under the impression that it was impossible to "log on" to the "World Wide Web" in 2006 without seeing Japanese porn.

Comment from: Thomas Blight [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at April 4, 2006 7:55 PM

I believe the intended meaning was live action japanese porn, as opposed to anime porn, Mr. Hutchinson.

Comment from: 32_footsteps [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at April 4, 2006 9:49 PM

If it's anything like the porno described in the book "Norwiegan Wood," then I imagine it probably can't be worse than that. But then again, not much could be.

Comment from: Meagen Image [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at April 5, 2006 9:34 AM

I guess they cut out the scene where it turns out England's Airport is being renovated and Minako has to rush across the Eurotunnel to get to the European Airport...

Comment from: miyaa [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at April 5, 2006 11:58 PM

Maybe she meant "New England."

Post a comment

Thanks for signing in, . Now you can comment. (sign out)

(If you haven't left a comment here before, you may need to be approved by the site owner before your comment will appear. Until then, it won't appear on the entry. Thanks for waiting.)


Remember me?