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Wednesday: Submitted without protection.

[Condomania! From Checkerboard Nightmare.](From Checkerboard Nightmare. Click for prophylaxis. Subject matter and subsequent links may be NSFW.)

Oh, Chex. Don't you understand? This is why your star-crossed love can never truly be.

It's not that Lyle is right. Lyle is never right. We know this. He's a straight man, as it were, and he just doesn't get it.

It's that the condom shape is wrong. If one is to represent the full wang in one's correspondence with the Congress, as it were, then one should seek out the appropriate design.

Manly men dot their Is with more progressively-designed condoms, and they regret nothing. Manly men enhance their vowellage, bloody stupid patent struggles be damned. They embrace the natural desire for the I to be a P once more.

I'm sorry, Chex. You had to be told. It was the least I could do.

Posted by Wednesday Burns-White at February 22, 2006 12:09 AM

Comments

Comment from: Wednesday White [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 12:18 AM

Two things:

1) Yes, I hate myself for using the name of a webcomic as a gag, and I realize it's about as clever as a thing that isn't clever;
2) Actually, yeah, it was a really stupid patent issue. Susie Bright nails it in the post linked therein.

Comment from: Phil Kahn [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 12:53 AM

I thought it was clever.

Comment from: Wednesday White [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 1:05 AM

It drives me crazy seeing that sort of thing in entertainment puff writing. Probably an artifact of name jokes. :)

Comment from: ItsWalky [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 1:29 AM

Yes, Wednesday, you have become what you hate. SWEET IRONY.

Comment from: Dorkboy [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 1:34 AM

A comment on the condoms...

The Inspiral is a GOOD thing, the twisted pleasure would be good if they made it in a larger size (the only Trojan condoms I can use are the Magnum or Magnum XL) and the original Pleasure Plus is pretty good, especially if you have piercings to work with.

On that note, the Pleasure Plus has the problem of having a top and a bottom unlike the others, so that can be an issue.

For that reason alone I give the Inspiral condom top marks, the pleasure plus a very close second, and I say that I cannot fairly judge the twisted pleasure, so sorry about that.

\/\/

Comment from: Wednesday White [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 1:35 AM

I'll have you know my powers of self-loathing transcend mere irony, BIBLEMAN.

Comment from: ItsWalky [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 1:41 AM

"(the only Trojan condoms I can use are the Magnum or Magnum XL)"

Yeah, uh, me too.

Comment from: Alexis Christoforides [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 5:30 AM

Checkboard I. Nightmare? What does 'I' stand for?

Comment from: Alexis Christoforides [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 5:32 AM

I meant Checkerboard, of course. Can't get anything right these days.

Comment from: Dorkboy [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 7:29 AM

ItsWalky I assure you that I'm not attempting to brag or boast, the other trojans are just not at all comfortable, for the same reasons mentioned in the article. They're too tight around the glans and do NOTHING for me.

Which is a bit sad as I used to be a Trojans gold box, lubricated, spermicide man.

My friend Nathan likes a Japanese condom called Komono and he wanted me to try one because he thought I'd like them....

My girlfriend said "Is it SUPPOSED to turn purple!?"

No. No it is NOT. Scratch that idea.

\/\/

Comment from: siwangmu [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 8:01 AM

Quick quibble: In skimming the patent problems article, I gotta say:

Vaginal orgasms don't exist?
That's, um... a surprise. Plus, and this kinda flabbergasted me at first... there are women who can feel the condom's presence, etc. A good friend is one of them (and when she first told me this, I was like "Dur? Woman saying doesn't like using condoms because doesn't feel as good? Does not compute!" And no, obviously she doesn't not use them as a consequence, she's not an idiot). The kind of friction which is death for me is like the whole point for her (I think we may also be, er, sized slightly differently? Plus apparently some of her early boyfriends were eensy). I should find out from her whether she's tried all the weird-texture-type things mentioned as pointless in the link, since she doesn't fit the picture in the other ways.

This has been too much information with Siwangmu!

Comment from: Valis [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 11:26 AM

Indeed, Siwangmu, it does not. And somewhere in the neigbourhood of two-thirds or three-quarters of all women cannot masturbate to orgasm using only their hands, while we're swapping lady-bits info.

This is why my male friends get swatted when I take them to Good Vibrations and they whine that "Women get all the cool toys!"

Comment from: Eric Burns [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 11:31 AM

I remember the first time I got condoms. I bought the ULTRA STRONG SUPER SECURE Trojans. The ones that apparently could take a bullet without breaking. I was young. I was paranoid.

The second time I bought condoms, I bought the "super-thin-maximum-sensation" brand.

All men seek the happy balance between these two extremes. There is a golden mean between paranoia and sensation. But it takes time and effort to find.

Man, no one in this thread wanted to know that.

Comment from: Wednesday White [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 11:32 AM

Yeah, way too many condoms seem to be sized on the assumption that length is all anyone's worried about on a standard condom usage day. Kind of like how lots of clothes for fat chicks assume that fat chicks have never had large tits, like, ever.

And an ill-fitting condom can, under certain circumstances, be an easily destroyed condom. Or an easily-removed condom.

Cough.

Erm.

I have a Mirena?

Comment from: Violet [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 11:43 AM

Man, no one in this thread wanted to know that.

I assure you that I find it fascinating. Tell us more about your prophylactic escapades, good sir.

I am largely accustomed to deploying condoms in order to avoid cleaning prostheses. (As such, I have no worries with regards to circulation.) This is all quite fascinating.

Comment from: Eric Burns [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 11:50 AM

Tell us more about your prophylactic escapades, good sir.

Man, does anyone else suddenly have images of the worst MacGyver episode ever?

Comment from: Wednesday White [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 11:53 AM

Get that duct tape away from me.

Comment from: Kristofer Straub [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 12:51 PM

I have to use a Glad ForceFlex(tm) kitchen trash bag slathered in canola oil.

Comment from: Wednesday White [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 1:01 PM

But don't you realize what canola oil does to the vagina?

Comment from: Sili [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 1:02 PM

No, I do not possess a magnificiently proportioned implement of procreation. Nor a fancy automobile.

And it doesn't bother me in the least.

Comment from: ItsWalky [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 1:10 PM

Look, all I'm saying is that I have a giant penis.

Comment from: larksilver [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 1:31 PM

Siwangmu: I can't stand 'em, either. They actually, like, hurt. Could be a size issue, I dunno. Still, it's probably a good thing I'm in a committed relationship and not worried about disease or even overmuch about makin' another baby. yeah.

Wednesday: and let us not forget that clothing manufacturers think that all large women are 7 feet tall. With no tits. And, apparently, flat bottoms and gigantic stomachs. grrr

Eric: If more people talked openly about the quest for a comfortable condom, it's entirely possible teenage boys the world over wouldn't accidentally become fathers from broken, ill-fitting, ones...

Comment from: 32_footsteps [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 2:02 PM

Am I the only guy who decided to start with the basic model and go from there? I figured, start with the standard and see what direction I'd need to go.

Comment from: Wednesday White [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 2:10 PM

Lark: You may also have a latex sensitivity/allergy, which can exacerbate friction issues. (I went through considerable trouble trying to isolate an irritation issue at one point until it became clear that I had an N-9 allergy the likes of which man was not meant to know. Good job the stuff is mostly gone from all right-thinking sex foo.)

For no apparent reason, the phrase "making a baby" makes me want to hide in a closet until someone brings me the fallopian plugs.

Bizarrely enough, all the fat girl bottoms I find assume huge asses and no guts whatsoever. Or huge hips and flat both. There are basically no clothes which flatter me from the waist down whatsoever, even when I've not eaten for two months and therefore start to resemble a reasonable size. (No, I'm not going to do that again, and it wasn't intentional the first time, but that's about what it takes.)

Comment from: Dave Van Domelen [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 2:12 PM

I'd just like to add that what some guys call decreased sensitivity I call increased endurance. :) If you're using condoms in the first place, you have to at least stop for maintenance issues after a while (presuming you're multi-orgasmic...and stop entirely if you're not), so why not go with a thicker condom?

Comment from: Eric Burns [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 2:15 PM

Am I the only guy who decided to start with the basic model and go from there?

Yes.

*pause*

Look, you give me a straight line....

Comment from: Eric Burns [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 2:20 PM

Weds:

There are basically no clothes which flatter me from the waist down whatsoever....

I know of at least one pair of black velvet jeans you own that makes this statement untrue. Not to mention a couple of pairs of denim jeans I've seen you in.

Just, you know, for the record.

I'd just like to add that what some guys call decreased sensitivity I call increased endurance.

Spoken like a gentlemen who's never had things... er... shut down due to lack of stimulus before.

Comment from: Wednesday White [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 2:25 PM

I know of at least one pair of black velvet jeans you own that makes this statement untrue. Not to mention a couple of pairs of denim jeans I've seen you in.

Um, hon? Thank you, but: there's a reason why I have to make sure there's always something covering the abdomen on the bad days, or at least distracting people from the gut issues to begin with. The dang thing sticks out more than my tits do.

But none of these things cameltoe, which is about as good as it gets. :)

Comment from: Checkerboard Nightmare [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 2:30 PM

My star-crossed love can always be! The condoms are exactly the right shape! I bet you don't even know what goes in there! So you should tell me.

Because it's like, don't know. They're for storing Valentine candies, right?

Comment from: 32_footsteps [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 2:43 PM

I should know better - if there's anything a man will act irrational about, it's something related to his penis. And yet, I asked that question anyhow.

Comment from: Chris Bishop [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 4:23 PM

I saw this strip for the first time yesterday. The jokes seem kind of predictable - the kind of dick jokes that have been kicking around for years. The art makes me claustrophobic.

Comment from: Chris Daily [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 6:01 PM

what they really need to do is make a special training condom, kinda like the training bra for girls, that guys can put on when they're dry humping during those first few awkward learning years.

I mean, guys need some kinda super protection to prevent our skin from denim + boxer chaffing. If they invented some kinda condom that stood up to that, it would save many a young man from figurative and literal scarring. Chaffing sucks.

but dry humping is fun. if you haven't ever done it, you should.... but wear a condom first.

Comment from: 32_footsteps [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 6:26 PM

"Training condom"

...

Excuse me, I apparently discovered that if I laugh hard enough, blood will shoot out my nose.

Comment from: Howard Tayler [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 22, 2006 10:36 PM

I bet with a little work you could use a condom to prevent that.

Comment from: Starline [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 23, 2006 12:50 AM

"Vaginal orgasms don't exist?"

Yes. Yes they do.

>_>

Comment from: Starline [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 23, 2006 12:51 AM

"Vaginal orgasms don't exist?"

Yes. Yes they do.

>_>

Comment from: Ray Radlein [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 23, 2006 5:28 AM

Thanks to the amazing qualities of the human mind, I have no doubts whatsoever that all manner of wond'rous orgasms exist.

Some are just easier to find than others.


[Remember: With regards to the scope of human activities, whenever someone says "{X} is impossible" on the internet, there is a 90% chance that someone will immediately contradict them from personal experience]

Comment from: Paul Gadzikowski [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 23, 2006 7:20 AM

"I finally had an orgasm and my therapist said it was the wrong kind."

"I've never had a wrong kind."

Annie Hall

Comment from: larksilver [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 23, 2006 8:21 AM

Weds: I hate that N-9 stuff too, but it's better than the latex. bleh.

As for the baby thing, uhm, sorry about that. Had no intention of causing heebie-jeebies.

Paul: Is any orgasm the wrong kind?

Comment from: Brendan [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 23, 2006 3:19 PM

I don't know much about this (obviously), but it was my understanding that on many women part of the clitoris extends into the vaginal canal, so the "vaginal" orgasm is actually a clitoral orgasm a bit lower.

Comment from: Wednesday White [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 23, 2006 3:26 PM

Yeah, the big problem is that "vaginal orgasm" is now too vague. There's clitoral stimulation from intercourse (both in terms of the extended/internal clitoral bits and friction on the exposed bit), there's what comes of working with the paraurethral sponge, and then there's the "real women don't *really* need that little bit on top played with; they just need themselves a dickin'!" bullshit which constituted the original clitoral/vaginal orgasm divide.

Comment from: Eric Burns [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 23, 2006 5:39 PM

Paul: Is any orgasm the wrong kind?

Anything insurance related.

Also? Tort-based orgasm. Totally wrong.

Comment from: Phil Kahn [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 24, 2006 2:49 AM

Listen, I know I got here late, but I feel like if I don't tell you now that I have an enourmous penis, you'll never know.

Guys, I have an enourmous penis.

Comment from: Doug [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 24, 2006 3:56 AM

(This is too good to pass up. Sorry. Sometimes, the straight line asks for- no, demands it.)

You have an enourmous peniz? Izzat so? Who did you take it from and here do you keep it?

Comment from: Merus [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 24, 2006 5:56 AM

I know I'm missing an enormous penis, and I'm sure Phil's been rummaging around in my pants at some point. Heck, setting up a 'rummage through my pants, $2' stall got me through college!

Comment from: larksilver [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 24, 2006 9:14 AM

My mate has an mp3 of a song, sung in barbershop quartet style, about an Enormous Penis. DaVinci's Notebook, I think... I would search for a link, but I'm at work, and such a thing is likely to set off the Network Police or something.

Comment from: Pooga [TypeKey Profile Page] posted at February 24, 2006 10:29 AM

Yep, that's definitely DaVinci's Notebook. Despite the song name, I'd say the site is relatively work-safe. The clip they have on their site is only about a minute of the full song, but that's long enough to garner their thrust. Erm... yeah.

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