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Wednesday: NIKOLAI VOLKOFF THINKS YOU ARE A BEARDO

Editor's note: Wednesday White and Eric Burns have been missing for days. At last note, they were somewhere in the desert, mewling about moisture and sounding like old men and women.

We present Mara K(arapetian), with an editorial comment.

Web comics are stupid. Instead, let's talk about something AWESOME, like Samuel Adams.

Look! I'm Mara! That's me! I have hair and a face! I use my mouth to eat! I do not urinate through my skin! I collect dolls! I make webpages! Look at me! I drive a car!

Did you know that the portrait of Samuel Adams that most of you are familiar with is actually NOT Samuel Adams? Yeah, it's like actually based on Paul Revere. Oh, and he was a failed maltster. What he WAS good at was rousing rabble.

I had an 11 oz. steak for lunch. It was good. I type real slow on this keyboard. Do you like bi bim bap? I do, but only if it's in a stone pot.

Oh, and webcomics are fague. Oh, and actually, what is a true drama-filled community, according to my friend Melissa, is actually the world of Gymboree. Bitches be illin'! Oh my god. Hey, my hands are greasy. I don't get it. I cleaned them off with a cleaning cloth but it's gross.

Eric has a beard.

Bye!

32_footsteps, I heard that you are bipedal.

Posted by Wednesday Burns-White at January 16, 2006 6:42 PM

Comments

Comment from: Archon Divinus posted at January 16, 2006 7:00 PM

Theres only one thing that can be said in this situation. What the fuck?

Comment from: Ardaniel posted at January 16, 2006 7:28 PM

HI MARA

Comment from: quiller posted at January 16, 2006 7:52 PM

Sleep is a good thing, certain authors here may want to try it sometime.

Comment from: Sili posted at January 16, 2006 8:13 PM

Joyce, eat your heart out.

Comment from: Doctor Setebos posted at January 16, 2006 8:26 PM

Hey! I'm bipedal, too!

Comment from: Nate posted at January 16, 2006 8:26 PM

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, Dude?

Comment from: 32_footsteps posted at January 16, 2006 8:56 PM

Those rumors are categorically denied. It's well-known that I'm a highly-literate gastropod.

I suppose I'm going to hear all about this on Saturday, aren't I?

Comment from: Escushion posted at January 16, 2006 9:06 PM

I'm a bipedal. I try not to be though. It's difficult.

Eric or Wednesday is wearing the other's skin. I know it.

Comment from: Levi posted at January 16, 2006 9:10 PM

...uhh.

Comment from: LurkerWithout posted at January 16, 2006 9:21 PM

I think I'm in love...

Comment from: Ford Dent posted at January 16, 2006 9:34 PM

Man, I'm bipedal myself. Now I feel less unique knowing other people are bipedal too.

Comment from: Robert Hutchinson posted at January 16, 2006 9:43 PM

Not that the post isn't gloriously random, but I'm left wondering how many people are actually reading the editor's note.

Comment from: Robert Hutchinson posted at January 16, 2006 9:43 PM

"Who you callin' a biped?!"

Comment from: PatMan posted at January 16, 2006 9:56 PM

I'm a proud Thumbie. If I close my eyes and concentrate real hard, it feels like I'm standing on two legs and have no tail!

Comment from: Shaenon posted at January 16, 2006 10:06 PM


Oh, that's it. No more sex for you two.

Comment from: larksilver posted at January 16, 2006 10:07 PM

Mara is on some good stuff. Can I have some?

Comment from: Mario posted at January 16, 2006 10:17 PM

There have been numerous rumors to the extent that I am some sort of Artificial Intelligence. This is, of course, _completely_ ridicu

***Segmentation Fault***

Comment from: Paul Gadzikowski posted at January 16, 2006 10:34 PM

it's like actually based on Paul Revere

Damn, I ought've seen that for myself.

Comment from: Brendan posted at January 16, 2006 11:01 PM

Samuel Adams is indeed good; in fact, I'm sure Wednesday has recently enjoyed very much of this goodness.

Comment from: gwalla posted at January 16, 2006 11:38 PM

Allllllllll righty then...

Comment from: Kate Sith posted at January 16, 2006 11:41 PM

I like this kid's style.

Comment from: gwalla posted at January 16, 2006 11:45 PM

I do, in fact, like bi bim bap. I am not so picky as to crockery however.

Comment from: 32_footsteps posted at January 16, 2006 11:48 PM

You know, the longer I think about this, the more I'm convinced that this is some plot between Mara, Eric, and Wednesday to drive me mad. Of course, such a plan is doomed to failure - I'm already mad. But it is raising all sorts of questions - the least of which is, why didn't you ever mention to me before that you read Websnark, Mara?

Comment from: William_G posted at January 17, 2006 12:01 AM

I do enjoy myself some bi bim bap, Mara K. In fact, I could have it for lunch if I so desired. And Bulgogi. And Kimchi.

That is the power of living in Korea.

Heck, I can munch on a few dogs while I'm at it.

Power indeed.

Comment from: Escushion posted at January 17, 2006 12:38 AM

Dude.

Comment from: siwangmu posted at January 17, 2006 12:40 AM

Google is my friend! Mara K is a real person! I now feel I should apologize for assuming that Weds had just lost her mind and renamed the crazy bits or something.

Hallo Mara K!

And now, as my googling totally did not become inadvertent stalking (and I swear I'm not trying to be creepy, just giving into the click on this click on that):

A picture from a website by Mara, presumably this Mara. It is entitled "Prairie and Wednesday as green peppers."
Be enlightened.

Other things Google teaches me: Nikolai Volkoff was [one alias of] a wrestler who defected from Russia and later agreed to play a villainous Soviet patriot in the WWF in part because it would make people hate communism like he did.

And bi bim bap is a Korean dish!

No luck with "beardo" or "fague," though I am now somehow in an intriguing read-through of wikipedia articles on The Jacobite risings and Devon County. How I got there is anyone's guess.

(Other note: due to getting distracted, I am finishing posting this a good while later, when several of my discovered facts have become obvious due to other comments. I post anyway, bwa ha ha!)

Comment from: Mara K. posted at January 17, 2006 1:20 AM

Siwangmu, you're a weirdo. DON'T GOOGLE MY NAME YOU CREEPY UNFAMILIAR PERSON. Yee!

Comment from: Mara K. posted at January 17, 2006 1:21 AM

And I don't owe nobody no explanations! NERDS, ALL OF YOU. Paint my fence!

Comment from: Ian K. posted at January 17, 2006 1:28 AM

Iron Sheik is gradest voorld champooin inder voorld!

Comment from: Robert Hutchinson posted at January 17, 2006 1:58 AM

Beardo? Portmanteau, dude. Portmanteau.

Mara: Siwangmu actually made that story up, because it sounded better than admitting to the existence of a chart of every friend and acquaintance of Eric and/or Wednesday, to the third degree of separation.

Comment from: thok posted at January 17, 2006 2:15 AM

You know, it would have been really cool if the above post was part of the MIT mystery hunt with some sort of crazy meaning to be decoded.

Alas, that ended yesterday.

Comment from: Mista_B posted at January 17, 2006 2:17 AM

Mara... you're the 2nd person I know to communicate as you do... rare indeed. I'd like to see how you write when consumed by strong emotion - would be a document well worth keeping, if my experiences with others like that are anything to go by. ^^

Comment from: siwangmu posted at January 17, 2006 2:25 AM

Mara: I'm very very sorry if the creepiness is serious; I just figured googling was better than me just posting another "Huh?" type thing and I have Internet Disease where I'm compelled to look up and follow links to random things (for instance, I have now learned that Freddie Mercury was Indian/Persian and his funeral was zoroastrian--discovered by following links from the Jacobite articles). And I imagine, now, that posting the link to that pic and therefore showing that I'd looked at that stuff does make me seem pretty strange, but, well, I've been in an art-surf-y mood since looking at all those batgirls, and, er, I have no real defense other than that picture was really cute and funny.

As far as explanations, of course you don't owe them! We'll tend to look for them anyway, because, you know, nerds.

Robert H.: Shhh, no one must know of The Chart!

Comment from: Reinder Dijkhuis posted at January 17, 2006 4:23 AM

"Beardo" was a slur Red Sophia used against her father, a wizard, in the first Cerebus book. Otherwise, I got nothing.

Comment from: LurkerWithout posted at January 17, 2006 4:31 AM

I'm gonna guess that beardo is BadRussianAccent for "weirdo"...

Comment from: Tropylium posted at January 17, 2006 5:00 AM

...

Well this is all pretty whacqued up.

Comment from: Alan Sharkey posted at January 17, 2006 5:37 AM

I, personally, am a trichordate.

Comment from: Eric Burns posted at January 17, 2006 7:57 AM

Beardo is a term that I have heard Mara use several times now. Directed towards me. I am going to choose to believe it is friendly.

Comment from: 32_footsteps posted at January 17, 2006 8:11 AM

Siwangmu, weren't my comments clue enough that Mara is real, and a different entity than Eric or Weds?

She's quite real. Her Nintendogs have played with mine and gotten along great. And she does look alot like that, though I seem to recall her hair a different color (oh, the wonders of dye). As for what she's "on," dude, Mara is just like that.

Still, she's never called *me* a beardo. At least not to my face.

Comment from: William_G posted at January 17, 2006 9:22 AM

The first time I heard "beardo" used was in a very early episode of The Simpsons. Bart said it as he was passing through a crowd, but I don't remember the context as it was last century.

Comment from: Reinder Dijkhuis posted at January 17, 2006 9:27 AM

A beardo is only one step away from being a Barking Mad Beardie-Weirdie.

Comment from: Misha Grin posted at January 17, 2006 9:29 AM

I think we're all missing the point here that she blatantly accussed 32_footsteps of being some kind of deviant!! SINNER! Stick to your own -pedals! We don't tolerate that kind of behavior here! :-D

Comment from: 32_footsteps posted at January 17, 2006 9:38 AM

Calm down, Misha. I can assure you, I am a deviant. Heck, it's how Mara knows me. She just screwed up what *kind* of deviant I am.

Comment from: siwangmu posted at January 17, 2006 10:12 AM

32: I definitely did get that from my your post: it was one of the reasons I added the "oops, intervening posts have cleared up some of this" bit at the end of mine, since your post and half a dozen others hadn't been up when I started the whole business.

Comment from: Eric Burns posted at January 17, 2006 10:21 AM

siwangmu -- I suspect that Mara was having you on.

I could be wrong, mind.

But my suspicion was that Mara was having you on.

Comment from: larksilver posted at January 17, 2006 11:23 AM

But, Eric... I don't get the impression that Mara plays silly games like that at all! She seemed, oh, I don't know, so serious, and straight-laced.

(cough) Okay, okay, I can't even be that sarcastic for fun. This post and its thread have been most entertaining, by the way. website hijackers ahoy!

Comment from: Lindsay posted at January 17, 2006 1:38 PM

The first time I heard "beardo" used was in a very early episode of The Simpsons. Bart said it as he was passing through a crowd, but I don't remember the context as it was last century.

I could be wrong, but I think that it was the episode where Side Show Bob was running for mayor and Lisa and Bart became involved with Quimby's campaign in an attempt to keep Bob out of office. Bart was trying to get people to take Vote Quimby bumper stickers and buttons, or something like that, and was calling out to passersby using annoying nicknames. "Hey beard-o, vote Quimby!"

If I'm right, then I'm a very sad, sad person who's watched WAY too much classic Simpsons in her time. (I gave up on The Simpsons sometime after that episode that started with Marge trying to run a pretzel-making business, and ended with the Yakuza and the Mafia fighting a gang-war on the Simspsons' lawn.) If I'm wrong, then I'm a sad, sad person who's watched WAY too much classic Simspsons in her time AND has a fragmented memory of what she's watched. :P

Comment from: siwangmu posted at January 17, 2006 3:19 PM

Eric--Glad to hear it; I thought she might well be kidding, but couldn't've lived with myself if I assumed that, laughed it off and was wrong.

And, hey, Mara, it's kind of a plus that you have such an awesome name people could think it might've been made up, right?

Comment from: Doug posted at January 18, 2006 7:28 AM

For Eric: Some Tips When Leaving Your Blog Parked.

Some people forget these key precautions when parking their blog and leaving it unattended. Untold damage and confusion can result and you might be one of those unlucky souls that discovers it missing until that call from the Provider comes, telling you it's been found abandonded atop a pile of discarded Ebay Seller Ratings with all its link stripped. The temptation presented by a blog left running, it's password still in the login, is nigh irresistable for some, even if all they do is take it for a joyride.

Avoid parking nearby any Korean restaurants.

Be sure to engage the firewall and turn the password toward the curb.

Check to be sure the laptop is firmly secured and that the WiFi shut off.

However, the most important action one should take is to remember: LOCK IT AND POCKET THE KEYPHRASE!

Comment from: Xeres posted at January 23, 2006 2:20 AM

....My Nintendogs have been neglected. Ninten-PETA has been tracking me down. I'm a vigilante on the RUN.

My Nintendogs are also... Not bipedal.

This Mara character is obviously on a drug called 'Awesome'. Side-effects? Being too awesome. Obviously.

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