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Wednesday: When you're lost out there and you're all alone, a light is waiting to carry you home.

Now, this isn't about Serenity, and this isn't about Orson Scott Card. The latter, y'all have talked about here, and the former, well, it doesn't come out here until Thursday.

But it is about a thing that Orson Scott Card declared, while reviewing Serenity:

Play it safe. Stay home. Watch reruns of Full House. That was a really funny, heartwarming TV series and it's just a shame the kids have all grown up and now we can never have the feature film with the original cast.

Naw, man! Full House embraced the aging of its kiddie cast. We can totally do this. Besides, if Growing Pains managed a reunion special despite Kirk Cameron's overwhelming commitment to The Way of the Master, there's no reason why a series with Candace Cameron Bure couldn't pull it off.

Okay, you're not going to get stasis, but Full House didn't even have stasis! As the kids got older, they handed their sketchy personalities down to the next cuddly child on the cute chain, so as to simulate growth and change. When they ran out of kids, Jesse and Becky were even kind enough to generate two fresh receptacles! Okay, they were boy receptacles, but it's not like they weren't being raised female. Just look at them.

The trick, of course, is going to be falling off the top of that cute chain. The sequence works like this:

Anne Geddes model baby
Precociously witty, yet innocent child
Dulled, slightly bitter tween
Bland, overachieving teenager with socially acceptable rebellious streak
Wholesome, yet vaguely quirky adult

You don't deviate from this sequence in the Tanner house. It's just not done. Rebecca? Wholly assimilated. Total brood mare. Danny's failed relationship with Vicky? Joey's erratic love life? Those women just weren't good enough to learn the Tanner way, not like Joey. Kimmy Gibbler? An outsider. You know that she was only ever, at best, tolerated in the Tanner household. Did you notice how, when everyone else was getting lovebombed, they just told her to go home?

Yeah. You know how it goes. She asked too many questions. Go home, Kimmy.

So, the problem is, the kids have grown up. As they've followed the cute chain and adopted the roles appropriate to their ages, the Tanner house has gotten top-heavy. At best, Michelle is now a bland and overachieving teenager, and the twins are sullen. (And probably slightly dysphoric, but that'll be resolved in 21 minutes.) It's incumbent upon the house to find new members, and thus revive the chain. Ideally, they need to be diversifying, only permitting conceptions on a prescribed schedule. This way, the chain flourishes, and doesn't become overburdened at either end.

You can have managed conceptions in this setup, too. Consider: no one ever really leaves the Tanner house if they've been accepted into the family. If we learned one thing from the final episodes, it's that true Tanners are, in a way, tied to their real home. Karmically tethered. Bound, almost. They don't ever really want to leave.

So, if everyone still lives there, bringing their spouses or other close, helpful relationships into the arrangement, really, it'd be a pinch to handle supervised conception. Insemination becomes much easier when you have a whole family to pitch in and help make the fertility awareness method a smooth and easy thing. Everyone's so helpful.

"Ten-thirty on Tuesday the 24th, DJ! Time to boink!" And so winks Rebecca.

Jesse, of course, will play appropriate music. Live.

Now, it's entirely possible that DJ has settled down with Viper, Nelson, or (quite likely, really) Steve. Michelle will be experimenting with relationships, but may or may not be deemed ready to actually contribute to the chain. What about Stephanie? She's something of a weak link. Dulled and sullen doesn't really work with the Tanner way, but it's apparently something of a necessary phase. She stayed there too long, though. It's easy to wonder how much of a placeholder she was for Michelle, really, who managed to hold onto precocious wit for a far longer timespan. So far, we don't know if those familial ties can be severed -- everyone who's left didn't really belong anyway. Who's to say?

And who's to say that Rebecca can't help out some more? She's got stamina. She's had twins.

Now, adoption could certainly be a consideration. The problem there is timing; you can't necessarily guarantee your schedule is going to work out in the event of paperwork problems, and then the chain falls out of sync again. Also, we've already demonstrated that the male Tanners have a hard time bonding with those who aren't blood kin. Rebecca and Joey are very much exceptions here; Rebecca was easily subverted, and Joey got in on the ground floor. Joey and Danny have demonstrated that they have difficulty keeping a potential mate around long enough to conceive, let alone have children. Female Tanners have the advantage of not needing to keep their mate around in order to bring a child to term and raise them within the house.

No, I think you could have quite a compelling Full House film with the original cast as they currently stand. There's absolutely no reason not to follow the delightful escapades of this warm, inclusive family to their logical conclusion.

You know. The one where Danny Tanner wanders down to the tattoo parlour.

Posted by Wednesday Burns-White at October 4, 2005 10:02 PM

Comments

Comment from: Merus posted at October 4, 2005 11:56 PM

I find it interesting that Serenity is the kind of movie Card always wanted Ender's Game to be. I didn't know Serenity had gay bashing in it.

Comment from: Kristofer Straub posted at October 5, 2005 12:08 AM

I have been watching Full House middays on... I guess it's on ABC Family. It's a little like ordering pizza at 3:00 AM from the worst dive in town -- you know how bad it's going to be, but it fills you up, even if you respect yourself less the next day.

Comment from: Wednesday White posted at October 5, 2005 12:10 AM

Yeah, it's ABC Family. I watched way too much of it on my last couple of trips across to the US; once you've watched 700 Club and Gilmore Girls, inertia kinda prevents channel changing. Lucky for me I couldn't figure out how Eric's remote worked once I got to his place.

Comment from: larksilver posted at October 5, 2005 1:32 AM

Augh, Full House.

My nephew, during the time his Mom and I were roomies, was totally in love with Kimmy, and thus, we were exposed to the Patented Tanner Awwwwwwwww Moment each day, during the rerun time before dinner and after cartoons. It's a rule, apparently, that every episode of Full House have a moment toward the end where someone is pitiful, the cast (and the "audience") goes "awwwwwwww," and suddenly, they make nicey-nice and evewybody feels better. yeesh.

Y'know, I really enjoyed Ender's Game, and the first of the Alvin Maker books, and a couple other examples of Card's fiction. He does a terrific job at the modern fairy tale. But the more I learn of the man, the more he kinda creeps me out.

However, your analysis is pretty much dead-on, oh Mistress of the Sith Way, and has me torn between the giggles and the heebie-jeebies. Good show!

Comment from: Alexis Christoforides posted at October 5, 2005 1:32 AM

Merus - I don't remember any gay bashing in Ender's Game. His personal views are a different subject, I believe.

So is Full House the show that everyone hated && watched? And why is a world without a Tron sequel even humorously considering the feasibility of a Full House movie?

Besides, a Tron sequel is much more feasible. All you need is blue, red, that 'Bit' thingie and Wendy Carlos.

Comment from: Copper Hamster posted at October 5, 2005 2:12 AM

Tron Sequel? No... I don't think so. It just doesn't play. Besides, I've played the Tron 2.0 FPS.

Why does a game that simulates the earliest cgi bring my p4 to it's proverbial knees, I want to know? Everything is flat black with neon edging.

Comment from: lucastds posted at October 5, 2005 2:53 AM

i loved that episode where Uncle Jesse mixed up his own kids and needed to figure out whose baby boots were whose before Rebecca came home and then Rebecca came home and he was harsh like "oh man she'll know" and she harsh knew but she sort of played dumb while he fumbled in stupidity oh man that guy can't really be a father because he's a rocker and he rocks out.

Comment from: Ian K. posted at October 5, 2005 4:52 AM

Ah, Wednesday White, you had me and... and you still have me, just like my "I really leaves.

Copper, your p4 is brought to its knees by Tron because Tron could still, in our heads, be what 'life' is like inside a computer. Visually, anyway.

Console games are emulating things that are potentially real, things which have been experienced.

Tron is attempting to capture something which no one has experienced.

Oh, balls, that was probably rhetorical. I'm sorry, I'm very tired.

Comment from: Ian K. posted at October 5, 2005 4:54 AM

EDIT:

Ah, Wednesday White, you had me and... and you still have me, just like my "I EDIT:

Ah, Wednesday White, you had me and... and you still have me, just like my "I

Comment from: JackSlack posted at October 5, 2005 5:12 AM

Ms. White,

The following is a bill for a new keyboard. The old one was damaged by coke, recently of my nose, foolishly drunk while reading your latest missive.

Regards,
Sean.

Comment from: Kristofer Straub posted at October 5, 2005 6:41 AM

In later seasons, they actually get a little self-aware with the hugging, and mention how it's impossible to not hug in the house.

Comment from: 32_footsteps posted at October 5, 2005 8:01 AM

I think I read an issue of Entertainment Weekly in which they mentioned how it literally was a rule that the Full House cast had to have an "Awwww" moment at least once an episode.

As for a Full House movie... I'm going to take my classic stance about such things. As long as I'm not forced to watch it, it's fine by me. In a world where Uwe Boll is still allowed to make movies, it's guaranteed to not be the worst thing out there.

Comment from: xbishop posted at October 5, 2005 8:42 AM

According to a guest speaker I had in one of my uni R/TV classes, that "Awwww" moment was a part of the whole 'Miller/Boyett' production team's schtick. So much that they named it Miller time. If you look at all of the original TGIF shows ABC ran from them, each show had one of those moments about 17 mins in (not counting commercials).

Comment from: Reave posted at October 5, 2005 8:44 AM

O-kay then...
*slides Eric's glass away*

I think that's enough for you today...

Comment from: Eric Burns posted at October 5, 2005 9:18 AM

What? I didn't even comment on this one!

Damn it. Wednesday posts, and I get cut off. There ain't no justice.

Comment from: Eric Burns posted at October 5, 2005 9:19 AM

In later seasons, they actually get a little self-aware with the hugging, and mention how it's impossible to not hug in the house.

Nothing frightens me like Full House Metahumor.

I'm not saying it's the scariest thing I've heard. But this fear is unique.

Comment from: SeanH posted at October 5, 2005 9:52 AM

I'm now trying to figure out a way Full House could be infinite canvas.

Comment from: SeanH posted at October 5, 2005 9:53 AM

Also: people, Card went nuts way before the "no marriage for gays" thing. At one point in his Tales of Alvin Maker, the story is briefly interrupted for a treatise on the evils of activist judges.

Comment from: 32_footsteps posted at October 5, 2005 10:00 AM

"I'm now trying to figure out a way Full House could be infinite canvas."

Either an endless chain of hugs, or just an entire montage of John Stamos' hair.

Comment from: Merus posted at October 5, 2005 10:37 AM

I went on about Card for a bit, but really, it's been done. We all fear that Card will destroy the movie, right? That's basically what I was saying.

Comment from: Wednesday White posted at October 5, 2005 10:51 AM

I don't think that concerns about how Card may or may not want to shoehorn agenda into any particular film are even pointful to discuss.

Comment from: Plaid Phantom posted at October 5, 2005 12:43 PM

Weds, you have taken my dislike of Full House and turned it into an unexperienced terror. I do not know how, nor do I wish to know this power. The secrets are too great for one such as myself.

And that's entirely ignoring Bob Saget.

Comment from: 32_footsteps posted at October 5, 2005 12:55 PM

I've always had one quandry - was it Full House that ruined Dave Coulier for me, or was it the knowledge that Alanis Morrisette wrote "You Oughta Know" about him? Because looking back, "Out Of Control" was one of my favorite shows when I was younger.

Comment from: Matt Sweeney posted at October 5, 2005 1:38 PM

I've always had one quandry - was it Full House that ruined Dave Coulier for me, or was it the knowledge that Alanis Morrisette wrote "You Oughta Know" about him?

Wait a minute, wasn't that just a bad rumor/joke? Please tell me it was, because if not... *yuck*

Comment from: 32_footsteps posted at October 5, 2005 2:22 PM

http://www.snopes.com/music/songs/oughta.htm

Basically, while it's never been confirmed by Alanis, Coulier did say that he did date her and that she did many of the things mentioned in the song to him. Given his admission, I think it's more than a rumor.

But man, did that make those back-to-back episodes of Out Of Control and You Can't Do That On Television seem more than a little weird in retrospect.

Comment from: quiller posted at October 5, 2005 3:06 PM

Hmm, this scary familiarity with old sitcoms reminds me of one of John Allisons riffs. Of course, I avoided ABC family like the plague, so in some ways any level of knowledge is scary to me.

Comment from: A.G. Hopkins posted at October 5, 2005 3:40 PM

http://www.livejournal.com/users/howrude/

Not currently being updated..

I'm just sayin.

Comment from: Matt Sweeney posted at October 5, 2005 3:49 PM

So how exactly do you handle the the Olsen twins? Continue using both as one charecter? Pick one of the other (and if so, which)? Or use both of them in some kind of split personality kind of thing?

Comment from: Ford Dent posted at October 5, 2005 4:23 PM

You wait for one of them to die of a cocaine overdose.

Problem solved.

Comment from: A.G. Hopkins posted at October 5, 2005 4:35 PM

Turn them sideways, and slip them both into the same outfit. It'd be just like having a real person there.

Comment from: 32_footsteps posted at October 5, 2005 4:53 PM

What does it say that I actually went out and researched whether or not that LJ was fake, A.G.?

Comment from: A.G. Hopkins posted at October 6, 2005 1:21 AM

I don't know for sure, but I think it probably means you really think, deep down inside, that Jodie was the kind of girl who would be thrilled that sodomy was now legal again. ;P
That's ok. I'm Blackbyrd2, and I've been her stalker for a while now, so I think I probably wish she was, deep down inside. ;P

Comment from: miyaa posted at October 6, 2005 8:00 AM

Question: Very attractive girl who looked more out of place in a family situational comedy: Candace Cameron Bure or Danielle Fischel (Topanga from Boy Meets World)?

You know, I don't know whether I should now hate or thank Dave Coulier for giving Alanis Morrissette her hits in the 90's. (Why did she remix them for Starbucks?) As a tangent, I saw her apartment pad on a recent epsiode of MTV Cribs. Surprisingly subdued for a famous angst crooner, which is a nice change from famous people who flaunt their wealth through outlandish cars and houses.

Comment from: Wednesday White posted at October 6, 2005 9:10 AM

Alanis didn't remix Jagged Little Pill for Starbucks; she re-recorded it from scratch and gave Starbucks first dibs. I mean, the answer is pretty obviously "money," but the songs I've heard so far -- particularly the new "All I Really Want" -- do mostly benefit from the new treatment.

Comment from: 32_footsteps posted at October 6, 2005 10:13 AM

Apparently, after searching Wikipedia, Alanis did admit to the song being about Dave Coulier in 2004 on Howard Stern's show. Not sure if it's true, but man, I feel dirty.

As for hot girl that seemed out of place, I'm going to go with my secret guilty pleasure - Jenna von Oy, who played Six on Blossom. Stop giving me that look.

As for hot girl that seemed perfectly in place, Alison Fanelli was the girl. I wouldn't have been wishy-washy about it like Big Pete was, either.

Comment from: gaerfindel posted at October 6, 2005 2:40 PM

I'm surprised no one's yet mentioned 7th Heaven. I mean, if that's not the purest example of the Tanner Love, then I don't know what is.

Comment from: larksilver posted at October 6, 2005 3:55 PM

Well... at least Full House was sometimes funny.

My mom loves 7th Heaven, but I never spent time watchin' it. Seems there was always something better to do.. like watch paint dry. Or watch golf! Or watching the paint dry on the golf course. yeah.

Comment from: larksilver posted at October 6, 2005 3:57 PM

oh yes, and .. rereading Wed's original post up there, I am reminded that I must say thanks for the new word. I don't think I'd ever heard "lovebombed" before.. but I like it!

Comment from: vark posted at October 6, 2005 7:29 PM

I've seen an episode or two by mistake, but was never a steady watcher. Their name was Tanner? So ALF should show up at some point. The olsen twins can produce and direct, and make some more millions.
Bob Saget could have had a stroke or developed late onset Tourettes or something so he can be himself for once. Toss in cameos from all those other famsitcoms, more metahumor, so it works for those who hate it as well as those who love it.

Comment from: Wednesday White posted at October 6, 2005 8:10 PM

Lark: Lovebombing is a standard-issue means of coercive persuasion used in cults or similar organizations, religious or otherwise. "Miller Time," as described above, could be interpreted as an example; close, familial bonds are formed with the new inductee through frequent affectionate touch and talk.

vark: No, I don't think that metahumour is the way to go here. I'm a big fan of playing out the Tanner home completely straight, but to the logical extreme. We've already had any number of ironic, self-conscious spins on old TV shows at this point; if you go this route, particularly given the recent film I Am Stamos, you run the risk of losing the license in the undertow.

Comment from: Matt Sweeney posted at October 6, 2005 8:26 PM

Unrelated knee-jerk tangent

Have I ever mentioned how extremely tired I am of irony?
To quote the 5RC label

3. Irony is dead and useless. We don't like irony.

If you want to do something, just freaking do it. Don't hide behind irony just in case people may think you aren't cool or something.

Sorry, just had to say that. I feel better now.

Comment from: Darth Paradox posted at October 7, 2005 9:22 PM

Okay. Who remembers the ALF TV movie? Don't tell me I'm the only one...

Also: http://www.robandelliot.cycomics.com/archive.php?id=137

Comment from: larksilver posted at October 10, 2005 9:36 AM

Wednesday: Oh. So lovebombing is that thing where total strangers wanna hug me a lot, and thus make me want to a) hit someone and b) run away? Got it!

Hmm.. maybe I'm not a good candidate for cult membership after all. Ah, well.

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