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Wednesday: Between a rock and a soft place.

pillowbreasts.gif(From Achewood. Click on the thumbnail for full sized... there's no good way to end this, is there?)

Here's the thing. It's hard not to feel for Roast Beef in this situation.

For starters, an impressive chest will inevitably draw the eye. The criteria for 'impressive' will vary from person to person, but there's no getting around some chests. Once the magnets are in the room, steel will inevitably approach them.

Now, this isn't to say that the chest is necessarily desirable. It might simply be intriguing. Compelling. A force of nature to be reckoned with. It might not even occur to you that you're gazing upon it. It was there. You looked. The next morning, the sun came up. You weren't ogling. You were obeying the Laws of Physics.

Lechery and physics can be hard for an outside observer to distinguish, though. Especially when you've been having Issues with that outside observer for a while.

And that's where the problem starts.

Others might handle the situation more gracefully, or at least do so with fewer negative effects. If Ray didn't manage to soothe Molly, he might at least get this buxom woman's number. (She would then get too drunk to finish out the date. But the thought would be there.) Pat might dismiss the corpulent woman as unworthy of his attentions, were he prepared to step into a Wendy's in the first place. Teodor runs the risk of getting flustered, but he would eventually admit what was going on.

But this is Roast Beef we're talking about here.

And he doesn't want to upset anyone. He couldn't very well say to Molly, "Yes, I was staring at her chest, but I didn't want to hurt your feelings." She's obviously in something of a mood, and might very well have snapped at that. Moreover, now he can't possibly backtrack, because the breasts are staring him in the face. So to speak.

Plus, they're trying to sell him some jewelry.

And Molly's just not helping.

What's Beef to do? He's nervous. He'd much rather, to paraphrase Roger Ebert's review of Cries and Whispers, make pillows of these breasts. He can't even look at the jewelry samples now. (And why would he want to? Those beads come from the bead store, and that's a boring place.) Molly's in a snit, and chest woman has no idea what's going on, and it's all going to get quite messy.

All because of Physics.

Poor Roast Beef.

Posted by Wednesday Burns-White at July 28, 2005 8:28 PM


Comment from: kirabug posted at July 28, 2005 9:37 PM

Wednesday, you forgot your W in the title :)

And I wonder - I've got a decent-sized rack, but a guy's got to be doing some serious ogling for me to even notice where his eyes are. (Maybe it helps that I'm short, so he's got to look down at me anyway. Physics again.)

Comment from: Doc posted at July 29, 2005 12:07 AM

To be fair they are sitting down, so he is just kind of level with them already.

Also I'm increasingly convinced Molly is a stone-cold ball cutting bitch.

This only adds to my enjoyment of the strip but the more I see of her the less I like her.

Oh and 'osteoperosis' from the previous strip, Onstad's on a good run here.

Comment from: ANT Link posted at July 29, 2005 1:56 AM

Now this is just odd. This seems to me to be Eric's writing style and perspective, but it says Wednesday's name there at the bottom. It's not entered under the Wednesday category of snarkage either...but if Eric wrote it, why is it under her name? It's an (unimportant and insignificant) mystery!

Anyways, this snark taught me two things.

1) Mmm. Breasts.

2) I really gotta start reading Achewood.

Comment from: SeanH posted at July 29, 2005 3:07 AM

Doc: I think I agree, Molly is becoming less likeable.

Most women I've been with have been quite understanding about the Male Imperative, actually. We don't mean anything bad about it. We just have to look at breasts. I know gay guys who do the exact same thing. It's probably tied to the Y chromosome, or something.

Comment from: SeanH posted at July 29, 2005 5:21 AM

Also, is "jewelry" the American spelling of "jewellery", or is it just an alternate spelling?

Comment from: ZedPower posted at July 29, 2005 6:06 AM

I think we're struck with how Molly is becoming kind of a bitch mostly because of how completely sweet she was at the beginning. Try feeding your girlfriend a chicken's roasted ding-dong, and see if she suggests that you apologize to the chicken instead of apologizing to her.

I guess even matches made in heaven (literally) can become hell on earth.

Comment from: Eric Burns posted at July 29, 2005 9:53 AM

I find reading the blogs helps understand where everyone's coming from. For example, without the blogs, I wouldn't know Pat is nearly the asshole that he is.

Molly, though? Yeah. Somewhere, she started becoming a stone bitch. I actually blame Tina. You start rooming with Tina, and bitchiness is absorbed through your pores. On the other hand, think of it this way. Molly lived in Heaven. And then she returned to Earth to be with Beef. And then... she was with Beef.

Think about it.

Comment from: alienpriest posted at July 29, 2005 9:54 AM

Beef has got to kick Molly, she is bad news. Some girls return love by holding your head under the water and refuse to let up.

The visual attraction of a good rack is more than just the physics of a male's mind, it's a phenomenon of the most basic laws of visual composition. The intersection of a low neckline and some ample cleavage tends to form a litteral giant X on the chest. To the human eye, this detail cannot be escaped. It's like painting a large canvas in cool and neutral green tones with soft edges, and placing a hard, vibrant red dot at its center. Doesn't matter what you suggest in the greens, the red owns your eye.

I personally dumped a 'Molly' in favor of a girl who not only understands this concept, but will nudge me and point out the ones I missed when we are in public. Something about a girl who can enjoy people watching with you helps improves your psyche, self esteem and all.

Comment from: 32_footsteps posted at July 29, 2005 11:22 AM

And to be fair, it's not like women don't stare, either. My wife thinks I don't see her stare at a guy with muscular calves or really broad shoulders. But I'm fine with it, just like she understands that I'm going to take note of a woman's chest now and again. It's all about understanding, and trusting people to observe limits.

Comment from: kirabug posted at July 29, 2005 11:55 AM

Heck, if you watch carefully, you'll find that women stare at other women too - though 95% of the time we're thinking "Hrm, bigger than mine, but flabbier" or "flat, but at least she can run without pain" or "she's going to freeze to death in that outfit" or "wow, I bet her back is killing her".

The rule in our house is, "You can look, but you can't touch". The corrolary is, "If you've stopped looking at the opposite sex, check your pulse, you're probably dead."

Comment from: One Timer posted at July 29, 2005 12:22 PM

I understand the line convergence effect completely alienpriest. Then you've got the whole "don't look there" factor, which makes you inevitably look exactly there.

Sometimes it happens with ladies past there prime who think they've still got the stuff and should therefore strut it. You're thinking can't look, that's disgusting, it'll only encourage them more, but it never works... the powers working against you are too strong.

Comment from: Shaenon posted at July 29, 2005 1:10 PM

Damn, what's with all the hating on Molly? Roast Beef has done some rotten things to her, too. True, it's usually because of his wimpiness and anal-retentive fussiness rather than out of any genuine desire to cause hurt, but sometimes that can be just as hard on a girl.

This sequence is typical. You get caught staring at a lady's bazooms, the best option is to admit it, take your punishment, and move on. Ray could've handled this with panache. But Roast Beef, being Roast Beef, comes up with a ridiculously obvious lie (necklace? Dude, Molly knows how much he hates beads), which makes the ogling seem more important than it is and turns the whole thing into a bad sitcom. Poor dumb bastard.

And now Teodor is kicked off the Circus Penis Army. Not a good week for the Achewood gang.

Comment from: quiller posted at July 29, 2005 2:42 PM

Back when the Celtics had a championship contending team I once caught a game of theirs in Hartford, CT. There had recently been a controversy involving a particular Celtics fan, Busty Heart, (I presume she was a local stripper or something with a name like that) where players of other teams got so distracted by her enormous breasts that they would lose their concentration and mess up passes and stuff. She was in attendance at that game and I caught a sight of her in the stands. I can't say I thought the effect was attractive, but good god, like a train wreck, you've got to stare! Huge tracts of land, indeed!

I guess my point is attraction isn't always why men stare.

Comment from: Eric Burns posted at July 29, 2005 8:01 PM

Like I said, Shaenon -- Molly's road to bitchiness was well laid out. Remember, in the early days she was sweet as could be. I get the feeling she was pushed to the end of many, many ropes before reaching the point she's at today.

Plus, she worked at Taco Bell.


That could make anyone bitchy. Gandhi, after working two shifts at Taco Bell, was heard to say "fuck it. I'm gonna kill someone."

Comment from: siwangmu posted at July 31, 2005 3:43 AM

Perhaps could the whole authorship issue be resolved? I never saw a resolution to it anywhere, so I'm still a bit confused. Although I guess upon review of emphatic italics, it's probably Eric. Clarify! Please?

Comment from: siwangmu posted at July 31, 2005 3:45 AM

Perhaps could the whole authorship issue be resolved? I never saw a resolution to it anywhere, so I'm still a bit confused. Although I guess upon review of emphatic italics, it's probably Eric. Clarify! Please?

Also, if Eric were a Japanese superhero, he would have an attack named Emphatic Italics.

Comment from: siwangmu posted at July 31, 2005 3:46 AM

Whoa, apparently it did send the first time. Um, whoops?

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