Websnark: [w] Oh, Quit Playing Your Damned Harp Already, Princess

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Wednesday: [w] Oh, Quit Playing Your Damned Harp Already, Princess

Pinkest Thing Ever So, here's the thing: we here at 'snark Europe LLC have been working through Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon at a snail's pace, utter aeons behind broadcast. I know it's over, but I also know that some of you (okay, most of you) haven't been watching it. For those of you about to be spoiled, we salute you.

For the benefit of those who don't know: billyuns and billyuns of years ago, or at least a fair while back, there used to be a kingdom on the moon. The kingdom had a princess named Serenity, and she was guarded by representatives of nearby planets. (Why they didn't extend this courtesy to, say, other planets' satellites? I don't know. No one tells me anything.) Things being as they were, said representatives were all teenagers in sailor suits. Look, no one said it was going to be sensible.

Serenity had it very bad for the prince of the Earth kingdom, Endymion, who had long ago mastered the fine art of combining sheer assholishness with utter blandness. He had four generals, scattered across the asshole/bland spectrum. And then there was a hot chick named Beryl who wanted to mess things up because Endymion didn't want her.

[Queen Beryl, doing what she does best. And being menacing.] It is, of course, the job of all hot spurned chicks to arrange for the deaths of their beloveds, especially when the chicks have pert poledancer's breasts and nails like porn stars. And the guys are, well, so bland and jerklike that they're not even worth depicting. And have tassels for shoulderpads. Look. Trust me here.

So, Endymion dies, and Serenity is just so distraught that she, um, destroys the moon. And the earth. Because, if Endymion's not around to be prince of the Earth, then there shouldn't be an Earth, so, by extension, there shouldn't be a moon. At least not that moon. If anyone really wants a moon, they can go bother Sailor Pluto and have her install someone on that moon there, or they could if she was in this series.

So, you know, boom.

Some time later, there's Earth again, which means that everyone has to get all reincarnated as teenagers. Except for Endymion, who was always the older man (it is, of course, the job of the guy with no personality to be older and able to go to university in England), and the four generals, who are just, you know, guys, and Beryl, who's just too hot to die.

The teenagers, because that's the way of it, only come to know their past lives in a gradual fashion, so, first, a cat comes along (and not just any cat, a plushie cat who can turn into a six-year-old) and gives them transformation items and is all, "Hey, protect the earth against monsters while dressed up in fetishy sailor suits and diapers." And they're like, okay, but also? Karaoke. Which happens too.

I'm leaving stuff out. Like the whole thing where Sailor Venus -- oh, they're all Sailor Bla, where Bla is some planet except for where it's not a planet -- Sailor Venus is off doing her own thing, totally cognizant of her past life and totally hacked off with the unprofessional attitudes of her fellow sailor guardians, because professionalism is the hallmark of people who fight rubber monsters in fetishy sailor costumes. And the thing where the guy who runs the arcade (and fancies the girl who's Sailor Jupiter) has a turtle ... a turtle thing. He's not a furry, because it's a turtle thing.

weds: Is it still furry if one's thing is for turtles?
eric: Technically? Yes.
weds: Crap. I'm not sure it really should be, though.
eric: Oh, what do you think it should be? Shelly?
weds: Oh, poor Shelley.

Anyhow.

[How the hell is this a harp by any stretch of the imagination, people?] Eventually, Sailor Moon figures out she's the Princess. And the Princess is not desperately happy with the situation; she knows she's capable of destroying the world, but, dammit, she'd quite like to have her boyfriend around again. Furthermore, if she can't have her boyfriend, she's not desperately keen on keeping anything else around, so she'll go about causing severe property damage. This upsets her present-day mortal identity, Usagi, no end; she doesn't like the idea that she can blow up cars, let alone the world, and she'd quite like to get back with her boyfriend too.

Usagi is perky and terminally useless -- all archetypal dizzy, genki teenaged wish-fulfilment fourteen-year-old girl. This places her at considerable odds with her alter ego; Serenity is a mopey, dour sort who draws pentagrams in the air with a sword, blows up cars, then sits around with a big plastic object and plays it as though it might have, once, been a harp. I'm not sure this is the best message to be sending little girls.

(Any moment now, someone is going to ask me why this is totally my favourite show, and I'm going to explain to them that I was actually all about the anime, which also had lesbians, and epic love stories, and pseudobiblical stuff, and Sailor Saturn. They would destroy the world about once every fifty-two episodes, or at least blow up Tokyo, and that was fine. Then, someone would change gender or have a forbidden love or, at worst, fall for a winged horse.)

Anyhow. I am catching you up on this for one reason, and one reason only: I want to complain about Kuroki Mio.

[Actually a picture of the actress, Alisa Durbrow, in a McDonalds Japan commercial] Kuroki Mio is Beryl's shadow, hench, servant, and mirror upon the earth. She manipulates people around her to hate the objects of her hatred, while she maintains a seemingly innocent appearance. Or she would if she could act worth a damn. She is an idol singer, because Sailor Venus's mundane identity is that of an idol singer. She goes to school with Usagi, and briefly attempts to pretend to be her best friend. But, you know, that's all going to go horribly wrong when your real motive is to transparently seduce Mr. No Personality Soldier of the Earth just as soon as he gets back from Cambridge University's highly regarded Plot Device College.

The problem is, I cannot possibly accept that this girl is capable of seduction, because she has the world's hugest mouth. When she talks, her skull flies up off of her lower jaw, angling back and forth in the air against gravity, proving that she is, in fact, half Canadian. When she kisses people, their jaws break.

The picture seriously does not do Kuroki Mio justice. The actress, Alisa Durbrow, must be having her mouth digitally altered to accomodate entire districts of Tokyo. There is no other explanation. No, not one. Not one at all. When the generals of the Dark Kingdom teleport back home from the Earth, they do not simply vanish into the aether; they vanish into her mouth, because it houses multitudes. Multitudes, strawberry Cheetos, most of the Shibuya shopping district, the Dark Kingdom, and the sourcebook I was reading the other night but appear to have misplaced. It is the job of Kuroki Mio to house all that has been lost. In her mouth.

Do you understand? I do not expect the last episode to end with the destruction of Earth, or the salvation of Earth, or the reincarnation of the sailor guardians, or anything involving a plushie cat. No, I firmly believe that, in the last minute or so, Kuroki Mio will declare, skull snapping in the breezes:

And then she shall. And then, they will go back to making sentai the way God and man intended: with masks, lycra, and a complete and total lack of Tommy Oliver.

Scans and screenshots from a soldier's effigy and three-lights.net. Next time on Miercoles Mercredi Mittwoch: why Lunatic Party was the best Sailor Moon hentai doujinshi series ever.

Posted by Wednesday White at April 16, 2005 9:52 PM

Comments

Comment from: Dave Van Domelen posted at April 16, 2005 10:17 PM

Large mouths can be sexy (i.e. Teri Hatcher). Live Action Sailor Moon just breaks brains, though.

Comment from: Arachnid posted at April 16, 2005 10:59 PM

That was one of the funniest things I've read in a long time.

Now I know what Sailor Moon is about!

Comment from: Egarwaen posted at April 16, 2005 11:57 PM

That was possibly the funniest blog entry I've ever read.

Comment from: Xaviar Xerexes posted at April 17, 2005 12:15 AM

Weds I have never watched a Sailor Moon episode in my life and - this was pretty funny. Are those pictures really from a tv series of this? I thought it was all animated...

Comment from: Leesha posted at April 17, 2005 12:42 AM

Haha, oh god. I watched that entire series this winter. I downloaded the first few episodes to laugh at them and then realized the show was sucking me in. I enjoyed it on levels that I don't really want to contemplate or analyze. But you are very, very right about Mio. Her mouth was so distracting and I just never got used to it. This snark wins, at any rate. :D

Comment from: Robotech_Master posted at April 17, 2005 12:44 AM

Well, there was an animated series which went 200 episodes over the course of five seasons. It was based on the manga of the same title. (Which was in turn a follow-up to the "Sailor V" Manga, and incorporated the "Sailor V" character who subsequently was revealed to actually be "Sailor Venus." (I'm given to understand that the Sailor V manga was set in France, because the author has a thing for puns...but c'est la vie. :) )

Then last year they made a live-action TV series (incorporating tropes and techniques from the sentai genre of live-action Japanese TV), which was also based on the manga. As such it bears some similarities to the first season of the anime...but the similarity only goes so far.

I have all two hundred episodes of the show downloaded and burned onto CDROM from back when they were available as realvideo fansubs (before the days of DivX). Someday I'll probably even buy such DVD sets as are available, when I have money again. However, I only managed to watch 2 or 3 episodes of the live-action show before losing interest; my taste tends to run more toward tokusatsu (Kamen Rider) than sentai anyway.

Comment from: coldcut posted at April 17, 2005 12:52 AM

You know, on a lot of levels, this isn't a whole lot different than your snarks about the Chick tracts. ;)

Comment from: Shadowydreamer posted at April 17, 2005 1:03 AM

Also - the Japanese version was drastically different from what was released dubbed in North America. (I have no idea what Europe got) The fansubbed (or Japanese version) is fantastic, addictive soap opera junk.. the north american version.. well, alas, it 'tis to make you weep..

Comment from: Robert Hutchinson posted at April 17, 2005 1:35 AM

(looks in corner at about 50 tapes gathering ever more dust)

Yep.

(digs up threads he and Weds both posted in, about six years ago)

Yep.

Good times.

(I never did put up that Sailor Saturn poster . . .)

Comment from: Robert Hutchinson posted at April 17, 2005 1:41 AM

ADDENDUM:

Oh, THAT Tommy Oliver. I was thinking of the bandleader. He worked for Sandy Frank, you see, who also made his mark on dubbed Japanese television and movie product. My train of thought is long past derailed--it's currently the subject of an archaeological dig.

Comment from: William_G posted at April 17, 2005 2:26 AM

Hah!

Holy spank-material Batman!

Hahahah!

Comment from: RoboYuji posted at April 17, 2005 2:49 AM

Argh, my terrible internet does not allow me to witness the "spectacle" of the live action Sailor Moon.

I do vow to someday buy the DVD set of anime season with Sailor Saturn though, because that was my favorite one.

Comment from: RoboYuji posted at April 17, 2005 2:51 AM

And how could I have forgotten that that was the one with the lesbians too! The best was the fact that they tried to pass them off as "cousins" in the english dub shown on Cartoon Network, because it basically made them incestuous lesbian cousins and therefore worse.

Comment from: Reinder Dijkhuis posted at April 17, 2005 3:19 AM

He never said it!

Comment from: JediLora posted at April 17, 2005 3:45 AM

Oh man. I love PGSM with a sick, firey passion. I just finished downloading the rest of the fansubs a couple weeks ago, and the whole thing brings me joy. Especially the specials after the series is over.

Best part in the whole series is the unfortunate promo for the next ep around...ep 15? I don't quite remember the episode, but oh man do I remember the moment.

Zoisite is at his lovely piano o'plot device, and as usual, me and my friends were making fun of the fact that he can't actually play and is often fantasizing about the Senshi while 'playing.' I make the comment to the effect of "Hey, where's his other hand?"

Just then, he throws back his head, and you can clearly see his hand in his lap as he screams, "CURIMAXU GA!"

Say it out loud. And then understand why we DIED.

Comment from: Ray Radlein posted at April 17, 2005 4:12 AM

Say, Weds � have you yet witnessed the glory that is the live action version of Cutey Honey? Starring the lovely Eriko Sato, who, through the miracle of transliteration telephone, appears to the IMDB to have played violin in a Danny Aiello movie (that same magic identifies her as a Julliard-trained Staff Sgt. in the USMC, which would certainly be an unusual career path for a giri-giri girl, were it only true).

Comment from: 32_footsteps posted at April 17, 2005 5:05 AM

"You know, on a lot of levels, this isn't a whole lot different than your snarks about the Chick tracts."

I have to agree. On one hand, I laughed my fool head off. On the other hand... it burns! It burns like shame!

Comment from: Miranda/Blu posted at April 17, 2005 5:31 AM

I've been wondering exactly what PGSM is about. (I like Sailor Moon. A lot. >_>; )

That's like the best recap I've read yet.

I have trouble thinking that she has the largest mouth ever. There's one woman on a shopping network whose mouth is just like... huge.

If the two of them were to battle, it would be like pitting a couple of buckets against each other.

Buckets, I say! Buckets!!!

Comment from: Meagen Image posted at April 17, 2005 11:07 AM

Careful. Every person watching PGSM goes through the following stages:

Act 1-10: XDXDXD THIS SHOW IS SILLY!!!

Act 10-20: Heh... yeah... show... silly...

Act 20-30: ...show.... um... silly?

Acts 30+: @.@ (braindeath)

Kuroki Mio is the most annoying character *ever*. My favourite part of the series is the bit where she bites the dust.

And Mamoru is not just a bland jerk, he's a *moronic* bland jerk. You'll see why as the seson goes on.

Comment from: KerochanNoMiko posted at April 17, 2005 11:54 AM

Of all the places I expect to read a PGSM review, this wasn't one of them. But wow, that was so funny I had to register just to leave a comment on it. ^_^

I'm still not sure what the worst part of the live-action adaptation was the worst - there's so much to choose from! You have Mio, Sailor Pedophilia^H^H^H^H Luna, Endymion's costume, the "acting", the "singing", the thing with the turtle, and worst of all, the complete and utter lack of the most interesting senshi. (Maybe that was a good thing. Can you imagine what they would've done to Saturn, after what they did to Luna?)

Comment from: Wednesday posted at April 17, 2005 1:32 PM

Shadowy: Europe got lots of different dubs, according to language spoken in any given territory. The UK got, so far as I know, Optimum's everything up until the end of dub-R on video, or will when they're done releasing it to DVD (I so don't care about the dub's video release schedule it is beyond funny, so they might have finished already), but never the sub. The TV and toy releases totally bombed out.

Ray: Yep. Loved the Cutey Honey live action film, although Re:Cutie Honey is even cooler still.

Yuji, and anyone else in R1: if you want the anime DVD sets, move quickly -- the licenses are basically /gone/, so everything is either out of print in R1 or just about to be (I think there was a delay for S and SuperS, but that may have passed).

And if any of you guys are looking to dump a SuperS DVD volume 2, please get a hold of me, because that's the only one I'm missing.

Comment from: neongrey posted at April 17, 2005 3:44 PM

Y'know, I hear there's a live-action La Blue Girl out there, too... :P

Comment from: Wednesday posted at April 17, 2005 3:49 PM

Yep. And live-action Kekko Kamen, too.

Comment from: RoboYuji posted at April 17, 2005 6:26 PM

Yeah, I knew about the license thing. The S set seems to be fairly easy to find at the moment, but I suppose I shouldn't wait TOO long. Good thing that's the only one I really want to spend money on.

And SOMEBODY needs to pick up all that new Cutey Honey stuff for R1 dammit! Yeah, I still depend on being able to BUY stuff. I'm sooooooooo behind the times . . .

Comment from: The Myopist posted at April 17, 2005 8:07 PM

You know, Wednesday, even if I didn't know Eric I'd bookmark this site because of posts like this (and the Chick one that followed it).

Comment from: Squiddhartha posted at April 17, 2005 10:47 PM

I dunno, I think she's kinda cute in the pic with the white hat...

Comment from: Ray Radlein posted at April 18, 2005 12:24 AM

I'm pretty sure that there are actually two live action Kekko Kamens out there. And I think that some of the new Cutey Honey stuff is on the way for R1, although I can't recall where I might have seen that info.

Comment from: miyaa posted at April 18, 2005 1:37 PM

Okay, I knew about the live action Sailor Moon series (I even watched it when I was in Japan; it was akin to a broadway musical. Yes, Sailor Moon, the Musical. Scarred me for life.) But, I never knew there's like a whole genre of live action versions of anime. Why do I get a feeling there's a desire to have a live action version of Ranma � somewhere in Japan? There better be a damn good special effect sequence the first time Ranma turns into a girl!

Comment from: neongrey posted at April 18, 2005 1:57 PM

Hey, there's about eight or nine sailor moon musicals out there, too. :P

Comment from: Neftaly Hernandez posted at May 10, 2005 1:17 AM

I saw part of the TV show when I was in Japan. The way merchandising is used and tied into this program quite suprised me - the props used by actors in the live action series are freshly unwrapped retail products, as opposed to how merchandise is normally created as a child of the show. I am not sure if this actually is the norm in Japan, but I certainly have never seen it happen on NZ TV sets before. [br][br]It should be noted that, bar the [i]fascinating[/i] documentary on a man who could divine the type of collectible toy robot in an candy box by listening to the sound of it's rattle (which subsequently brainwashed me into buying one of the overpriced boxes of sweets) this has got to be the cheesiest merchandising tie-in's I saw on my Japan trip. However, one thing still bugs me - how they get (homophobic?) fanboys to buy sparkly pink plastic wands...

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