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Eric: An open letter to STUPID WEBCARTOONISTS OF THE WORLD!

Dear Stupid Webcartoonists,

Hi.

You may not be sure this letter is meant for you. After all, not all webcartoonists are stupid. In fact, most webcartoonists seem to be pretty bright. You need to have some modicum of intelligence to hold a pencil, for example. And you need somewhat less intelligence to upload jpegs to the web. So let me give you a short test you can take that will let you decide if you, in fact, are a stupid webcartoonist and therefore the intended recipient of this little letter.

1. Assuming your webcomic has more than a couple of weeks worth of archives, do you:

A) have a nice link on the front page to a cast list, that gives at least some information of who these characters are for new readers just come to your site who don't really want to read your archives from beginning to end until they know whether or not they actually like your strip?

B) Neglect to put up a cast list, because you hate new readers and want to make certain that unless they're willing to commit to your entire backlog and commit all the details of who everyone is and what they're doing to memory while they read, and then hold it in their brains forevermore?

C) Put up either a link to a cast list on your front page, but that link either doesn't exist or goes to a placeholder page with no information on it at all.

Think the test over carefully. Check your answers at least twice. Are we all ready? Then let's check your results, shall we?

If you answered #1 with A, congratulations. You are not stupid. Please, enjoy some delicious frozen custard treats of your choice. This letter is not meant for you. Move along.

If you answered #1 with B, you aren't actually a stupid webcartoonist. You're simply either ignorant of what someone who actually wants people to read and enjoy your strip needs to be able to jump in or a complete asshole who likes making his readers suffer. Either way, this letter isn't meant for you either, though if it causes you to think "hm. Maybe a cast list wouldn't be a bad idea," then hey -- we all win, don't we?

If you answered #1 with C, CONGRATULATIONS! YOU ARE A STUPID, STUPID WEBCARTOONIST WHO DESERVES THE BACK OF MY HAND! Megatokyo? THE BACK OF MY HAND! Lost and Found? THE BACK OF MY HAND!

Look, you morons! You clearly know a cast page should go up, because you've designed your front page to accommodate the link. Don't you tell me it's too hard -- a one sentence description of each character would be enough. If you want to get really fancy, crop any random strip with the character in it and slap the picture up next to the name.

Oh, I know. You're a sensitive artist and you know that you're going to be judged on the quality of your attention to detail. You have a perfect cast list page in mind and it's going to have relevant links and dynamic updating and people will fall in love with your characters the moment they see it.

NO ONE GIVES A DAMN HOW NICE YOUR CAST PAGE LOOKS, IDIOT!

They don't come to your webcomic to see the cast page. They come for the Comic. The cast page makes the comic accessible to them! Period! Any crappy cast page, out of date and poorly written, is eons better than no cast page, and infinitely better than advertising one and then not following through! JESUS H. CHRIST IN A BUCKET, PEOPLE! Take ten minutes out of writing your fucking "Rant" and PUT UP A FUCKING CAST PAGE!

Kisses,
Eric.

P. S. -- Sore Thumbs? THE BACK OF MY HAND!

Posted by Eric Burns-White at August 24, 2004 3:38 PM

Comments

Comment from: John Bankert posted at August 24, 2004 8:15 PM

Feeling a little snarky today, are we?

May I suggest switching to decaf?

Cheers!

Comment from: Freak posted at August 26, 2004 5:11 PM

Shouldn't MegaTokyo be "D) Create a cast page, then decide it's gotten behind and remove it."?

Comment from: Eric Burns posted at August 26, 2004 5:58 PM

Probably, but the result's the same.

For the record, though -- an outdated cast page is still immeasurably better than no cast page.

Comment from: snarkblows posted at September 3, 2004 9:26 AM

I do agree with you but - these people you speak of, most likely unlike yourself, have a life and family.

No Eric, living in your parent's basement driving your "pimped out" 1993 civic to work the open-2:30 shift at Chik-fil-A is not really considered a life. The "lunch rush" on August 24th where you failed to drop more fries when requested by your boss and had to be taken off-line to be talked to somehow forced you to take it out on some webcartoonists. These problems you're facing, right now, seem pretty stressful I know, but in actuality they pale in comparison to actual adult situations that I'm sure these writer/artist's have to live with.

hugs,

snarkblows

PS

It looks like someone should contact one of these artists to help you along with your front page. Tsk tsk tsk. What is that Helvetica bold on a 541 background? Breathtaking!

Comment from: Eric Burns posted at September 3, 2004 10:44 AM

No no no no no. It's a '99 Honda Civic. And it has a moonroof. Nothing says cool like a moon roof! Right? Right?

Well, shit.

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